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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Isolation and Hope

emotional abuse,
Let's talk about isolating.
Isolation is one of the favorite tools of an unhealthy partner because once you are alone you are easier to fool and because no one has your back.

Toxic parents do this.
Toxic boyfriends do this.
Toxic employers do this.
Toxic friends do this.

Toxic partners do this.
Toxic spiritual leaders do this.

The toxic partner will begin by teasing you about things your friends or family say or do.  This sets you up to question the true value of those people who have traditionally been your support system. The toxic person then moves on to criticizing your friends and family. Pointing out ways that they have hurt you, using your own words to paint your loved ones as negative assets. You start to wonder if those people really care about you.  You may even begin to spend less time with them, seemingly of your own choice. In reality you are just wanting to avoid the anger or the claims of betrayal by your partner.

Soon your toxic partner will get angry any time your friends or family (or hobbies, or children, or employers, or pets, or other outside contacts) are mentioned, especially if they are voicing concerns over you in this relationship. Your outside contacts take your attention away from your partner. They aren't good enough for you. They only bring trouble into this house. They don't like me. They are poisoning you against me. They are jealous of what we have. Again you limit contact and conversation just to prevent further outbursts from your toxic partner.

And finally your toxic partner will completely forbid you from having contact with friends, family, even with your own children. Contact in any form results in violence in word or action.

The steps towards isolation can seem very small and incremental when you look back on it. But, somehow, the toxic person has actually removed every person who cares about you from your life. There is one reason for this.

Because these people who care for you and who are outside of the toxic system see the game. They call out the toxicity and abuse. They want you to leave. They see the behavior clearly. They see the manipulation and your toxic partner hates that. They have no problem in calling out the things that they see.

In some cases an odd dynamic may happen with your ostracized friends or family members:  they may even move through an abuse cycle with you! From supporting and concerned to terribly angry at your powerless feelings and inaction to apologetic to supporting and so on. They are hurt and angry and feeling powerless too. They only want what is best for you but they have no idea how to help you...  What is happening is that they are compassionate people who are empathic to your pain.


Why does your partner isolate you?
To have better control of you, of course.

You know this.
You begin to recognize that who you are has been erased.
You know that you are being held captive through psychological warfare.
You doubt your own strength, confidence, security, intelligence...sanity.

All of that can change.

You can do this.
Happily, the internet IS HERE.
Start educating yourself today.

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