“We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heroes or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it's our job to invent something better.”
― Chuck Palahniuk,
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Saturday, October 29, 2016
Thursday, October 20, 2016
I hated the 80s.
I really did, still do. It wasn't just the supremely bad make up, jewelry, and fashion. No, things were so bad for me. I was in such a confused place in those days. It was so bad, actually, that I barely remember long stretches of time.
I did no drugs, so that wasn't it. I did drink alot, mostly to escape. But even that wasn't why I was in such a mess. I was recovering from an extremely destructive set of life choices...all at the tail end of very damaging teen years that left me utterly destroyed and alone.
I barely remember the music, the popular tv shows, movies from that time, general popular culture...
Somehow I emerged through that dark time with the help of excellent therapy, excellent friendships, and truly tons of introspective journaling. A few people have asked me the steps I took but I truly don't know. I was flying by the seat of my pants for years. I only realized that I had made it to the other side of it when one day I was reading a certain type of recovery book. On one of the pages was a simplified diagram of recovery. I remember sitting and looking at that diagram of internal core beliefs in the various states of recovery and realizing that I had come so far, I was at the far right on the diagram! I began to see the light.
I began to recognize my own personal power. I began to recognized how I had changed my own life. I finally saw that I had taken charge of my life; I had stopped letting life happen to me. I finally understood the meaning of the words integrity, authenticity, and honesty. Once I made these words my strictest guides...well that changed everything.
Friday, September 16, 2016
Monday, August 8, 2016
Do you feel like you are a shell of a human being? Like there's nothing inside left inside anymore? Like you've been sucked dry of everything that made you YOU? Do you feel like you don't know who you are, even that you don't care anymore? Do you feel like a shadow?
What if I told you that depression is normal when a person has been held down for so long? Our emotions can only feel the pain for so long before they just begin to shut down, go numb. The numbness is a self-preservation mode. It's what happens when we've felt so much for so long.
YOU are still there. YOU can be resuscitated. YOU are worth it and YOU deserve it. YOU can make this happen.
If you are looking for a good place to start, begin by knowing that you are. Know that you have the power to return to yourself.
I don't generally offer books or other websites, though there are many, many good ones. But here I'm going to offer you several books and several websites that can help. For the most part I have read the books and all links to books are at amazon.com. But I have probably not done much vetting of the websites, so use those as your discretion.
- Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People
- When Love Is a Lie: Narcissistic Partners & the Pathological Relationship Agenda
- Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Codependency Workbook for Narcissist Abuse Recovery
- Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
- I am Free: Healing Stories about Surviving Toxic Relationships with Narcissists and Sociopaths
If you know of other resources,
PLEASE link them in the comment section.
This many years later, I've had excellent therapy, I've read books, I've discussed my experiences and my needs, I've gone No Contact (NC), and I've spent time working on myself rather than wasting time trying to figure them out or trying to get their apologies or expecting any change or improvement in or from them whatsoever.
As long as you focus your hope, attention, heart on the toxic one you can't focus on healing and caring for yourself.
One day, one fine day, you will feel again.
You will feel connected to yourself. You will feel hopeful.
You are not a shell, you have been abused.
Do everything you can to focus your efforts on positive self care.
Soon you will be feeling the warmth of the sun again.
Bask in it and feel alive!
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
THIS, this explains why it can take so long for us to figure it out.
I found it ten seconds ago and pinned it here immediately because: THIS.
We can't stop expecting human, NORMAL behavior from them. But they can never deliver.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Saturday, July 9, 2016
When I was a kid, actually even into my twenties, whenever I would begin speaking in my dad's house someone would interrupt me with a sharp STOP MUMBLING! I would begin speaking again and, again, my words would be interrupted with a curt shout of SPEAK UP!
Imagine my heart beating, my vision begin to shrink, the panic begin again any time I had something to say.
Fast forward a couple of decades, many life experiences later, lots of distance from my toxic ones, over a decade of good therapy and great reading, making the difficult decision to choose myself, tons of introspection and conversation, friendships with remarkable women, and several advanced degrees and I do feel as though what I have to say has meaning. Because of the many experiences that I gave myself, that I used to grow myself, I realized that what I think and feel has value. I also realized that I have a voice. That's right, I have a voice and I will use it.
I deserve to be heard and not because of my credentials.
It's because I am a human being...and so are you.
You deserve to be heard.
You deserve to be seen.
Because you matter.
I can promised you that the toxic people in your life will never have the ability to show you your value nor will they support the things you do to strengthen yourself; you will likely have to discover that away from them. On your own, in the world, struggling to find your own voice, making choices for yourself. Even thought that last sentence might sounds terrifying, the very day that you finally find your voice you will look at those alone days as empowering and necessary because, slowly, over time you will discover something growing deep within you...that something will be YOU.
Does any of this relate to you?
I promise, if you find yourself wondering Do I deserve better? ...You do.
Over the years I have learned that listening to someone speak is loving them. Yes, it is as simple as that. When someone listens to you, gives you their time and attention they are displaying love to you. Agreeing is unnecessary...but nice.
I don't mumble anymore.
I changed my life by taking the difficult paths and by choose myself every single time I needed to. You can do it.