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Monday, December 15, 2014

If Only They Would See...

toxic relationships, narcissistic partners, codependent, emotional abuse
When your pain and confusion is so obvious and pervasive, it would seem that an acknowledgement is in order. It would seem that the person who has had such a hand in bringing on the depression, the anxiety, the invalidation, the feelings of emptiness and disconnection, the feelings of worthlessness would be healthy and forthcoming enough and say:
I see my part in this, they might say.
I recognize how I have confused you and belittled you and lied to you and injured you. I see how my actions have undermined your sense of self. You deserve to know the truth and here it is.
I am so sorry for it!
You talk to them again and again and the apology isn't forthcoming. In fact, after this type of conversation you walk away feeling more and more beaten down, more and more confused, more and more powerless. You walk away from this conversation only after the toxic person has denied your story, laid the blame on you, and left you feeling like a fool. Confronting the toxic person is not productive. 

And it never will be. This person is completely unable or unwilling to see their part in the unhealthy system. The toxic person is incapable of knowing healthy boundaries. They do not concede to your pain or your point of view. They do not acknowledge any responsibility or accountability. Their recollection of stories is inaccurate to the extreme. Their calmness or violence takes the focus away from the conversation completely.

Do not make the mistake of waiting for them to apologize.
Do not wait for their acceptance of responsibility.
Do not waste another moment waiting for that person you used to know to reappear.
It. Will. Not. Happen.
It wasn't real.

The rock-heavy burden of change is on you.
You are the only one capable of change in this relationship.
Know that. Feel it. Accept it.
You can make the change and you will make the change.

Recovery is ahead.
You can take this first step toward recovering yourself even if you can't imagine what lies ahead of you. Although you might not be able to see where the road it headed, you can move one step toward a return to yourself, and away from feeling like a victim.

Begin very simply with good self care:  healthy eating, exercise, establish contact with caring friends, read recovery materials, and look at yourself in the mirror each day and say I deserve better. At this early point I recommend keeping this healthy step to yourself and your support system...

Always, if you are being abused
get away immediately.

If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments below.


  1. Thank you for this...I read this and cried. and I am still crying. Everything you said made total sense to me, as I am in an emotional abusive relationship and have left and returned to it multiple times over the past 7 years. I'm trying so hard to accept that they aren't the same person I thought they were anymore but it's difficult. And I don't want to leave him cause I am so afraid of relapsing again. I am so lost. It's a long distance relationship now and yet that doesn't make it any less difficult to break these ties. I know there is better out there..yet the unknown and fear consumes me. Thank you for posting this. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who understands this feeling.

    1. If there is suffering it might as well be the suffering of change. <3