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Monday, September 21, 2015

Boundaries: Don't Be Fooled

The day you finally make those steps away from the toxic one in your life you set up a challenge for them. Every single effort you make to create healthy boundaries between you and the toxic one is like a flashing light saying pursue me to their unhealthy ego and coping skills.

Your healthy boundaries may include things like having the ability to say NO, meaning it, and not apologizing for it. Healthy boundaries may include refusing to allow others to define you, speaking up when you are tread upon, maintaining high expectations for those in your life, recognize the difference between you and others, taking care of your own needs without needing others to care for you, asking for what you need, and allowing relationships to take time before making commitments to them.

Maintaining these personal rules, boundaries, show a sign of higher self esteem, increased stability in your life and in your relationships, greater confidence, a reality-based life, and a more fulfilling life. Who can resist that?!  The toxic one will attempt to recontact you, they will try to reengage you.

Know This

The toxic one will sound so very sincere, so very wounded, so very needy.  Or they will sound so very healthy. They will apologize. They will take the blame. They will sound reasonable. They will say how much they will miss you. They will sound well-meaning. They will seem perfectly innocent and reasonable. They will look like they did in the beginning when you were first attracted to them: too good to be true.

Know this: changing dysfunctional patterns take significant effort and time and deliberate activity. Buying into their false claims will take you off of the hard road toward yourself that you have been walking.

Know this: their mask of perfection is back on. They still believe that they are not to blame and they will return to their toxicity very quickly. Their toxicity cannot remain hidden long.

Know this: that your walk toward yourself is too important to enter back into the cycle of drama, cruelty, ugliness, and heartbreak.

You Have Come This Far

Celebrate that road towards yourself. Continue to create yourself, to learn about yourself, to become who you truly are. Remember to stay on the pathway to yourself by maintaining the boundaries that you have fought so hard to erect...move forward, ever forward; move toward that bright future where you are healthy and your relationships are healthy.

Have no doubt: your healthy boundaries are your key to the life you are longing for.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Powerless of Powerful?

Did you think of that?
They're playing every single mind game at their disposal and you have bought into it in an effort to keep the peace. But now you've caught on. Now you can see it. Now they can no longer keep you confused, silent, compliant.

When you finally see their game, you become powerful.
Know that there is an end.
Know that you have choices.
Know that they don't get to define you.
Know that there is safety outside of the system.
Now you know.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

You've Got This You've Got This You've Got This

It's one of those times when it is not so obvious how to live my own life. I'm smack dab in the center of a family situation that is difficult and impossible to simplify. Because I am helping a family member with a medical crisis I have reengaged with family members that I have been estranged from for years.  I have reengaged online so that I can keep everyone informed about the medical crisis of a sibling.

Anyway, I'm sure you know where I am going with this.
I am, again, swimming in toxicity.  

I'm very selective with whom I share myself. I choose to share my authenticity, my energy, my time, my passions, and my attention only to people who are sincere, trustworthy, in earnest, and genuine. Yet here I am in constant contact with toxic people and I am hearing family toxic stories, claims, and criticism of me that I have stayed away from for these many years.

Furthermore I'm far away from the incredible support of my husband, children, and friends. It is really getting to me. When I flew home for a short visit I found myself awake all night, toxic words in my head, feeling incredibly poisoned, and completely unable to stop the crap and go to sleep.

My husband woke up, held me, stroked my hair, whispered in my ear, gave me the beauty of love and kindness and, finally, I fell asleep. The next morning I remembered, I have been here before. I have the strength to find my personal piece of mind. I have healthy resources. I know for certain that I can find my way through this because I have done it before.

I trust my own growth. And besides, I deserved that good cry.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

When You're Back on Your Feet Again

It feels so alone, so endless.
But I am here to tell you that one day, it will be over.

One day you will look behind you and see that you have been walking tall and confident and honestly; your steps will be straight and even.

This is a reminder to you, when you have forgotten that there will be a new day, when you have lost sight of the real you, when you haven't seen yourself in so long.
YOU. You will be back on your feet again.

When I'm Back on my Feet Again

by Michael Bolton

Gonna break these chains around me 
Gonna learn to fly again 
May be hard, may be hard 
But I'll do it 
When I'm back on my feet again 

Soon these tears will all be dryin' 
Soon these eyes will see the sun 
Might take time, might take time 
But I'll see it 
When I'm back on my feet again 

When I'm back on my feet again 
I'll walk proud down this street again 
And they'll all look at me again 
And they'll see that I'm strong 

Gonna hear the children laughing 
Gonna hear the voices sing 
Won't be long, won't be long 
Till I hear them 
When I'm back on my feet again 

I'm gonna feel the sweet light of heaven 
Shining down its light on me 
One sweet day, one sweet day 
I will feel it 
When I'm back on my feet again 


And I'm not gonna crawl again 
I will learn to stand tall again 
No I'm not gonna fall again 
Cos I'll learn to be strong 

Soon these tears will all be dryin' 
Soon these eyes will see the sun 
Won't be long, won't be long 
Till I see it 
When I'm back on my feet again 
When I'm back on my feet again 
I'll be back on my feet again

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Reclaim Yourself

The very moment you were treated as a pawn rather than as a vulnerable and confused child you were being used by someone for their own reasons. Think of the child in the middle of a hideous trench warfare of divorce. One parent trying to hurt the other. One parent seeking to injure the others through the kids.

YES, it will hurt your spouse when you get the children to lie about them. 

YES, it will hurt your spouse to have the kids deny them. 
YES, it will hurt your spouse to display your ongoing control.
YES, it will hurt your spouse to show them what they are leaving.
YES, it will hurt your spouse to have the kids accept a new parent.
YES, it will hurt your spouse to have the kids act hateful toward their parent.

But more, it will hurt the children.

As a woman in her fifties who was brainwashed for so many years, I can promise you, dear Children of Alienating Parents:

  • You are not to blame.
  • You deserve comfort.
  • You are allowed to love anyone you love.
  • You don't owe it to anyone else to feel their feelings for them.
  • You can't betray one parent by loving the other as well.
  • It is not your place to replace an absent parent.
  • It is not your place to comfort your parent.
  • You can trust your senses, even when you cannot trust stories told to you.
  • People who call you or your loved ones names are exhibiting their own immaturity, not speaking the truth.
  • The behavior of your parent or parents does not define you.
  • You are entitled to have a relationship with any parent, sibling, or other important family/friend that you need.
  • Trust yourself.
  • This list is not exhaustive: Write your own!

These games played with Little You, Little Innocent and Well-Meaning you are still in your mind and your heart.

But you deserve to let those games go!
You deserve to let go of the games and the pain!
Do everything it takes to move forward because these toxic people and their manipulations, lies, and games have inhabited enough of your life. They have controlled you long enough.

Begin today. Reclaim yourself.


Stand taller.
Refuse the stories.

See a therapist.
Speak the truth.
Stand taller still.
Speak up.
Own your own experiences.
Value every facet of yourself.
Acknowledge every truth.
Say that which is unsaid.
Know your truth.
Know your truth is valid.
Know that you deserve this.
Refuse to deny.
Stay safe.
And stand taller still.

It is a process and you deserve to take that first step.
Seek peace.