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Sunday, December 28, 2014

The Clown Car: Stay the Path

emotional abuse
It's like being the lone human being in a car full of scary wonder how people's behavior can be so erratic, yet no one in the rolling circus seems to notice except for you.  The big red nose, the seltzer bottle, the over-rehearsed falling down, the pie in the face, the larger-than-life face would think that the other adults in the clown car would notice, but I think that their big goggly glasses must get in the way.

Even if you seem to make a connection with one of the clowns and they seem to have some sense and clarity of mind about them, a smaller squirting flower on the lapel perhaps, the next time you look at them the water from the center of the enormous daisy is squirting right into your eye. It's discouraging, looking around the car for another person with some semblance of ...sense. Brief connections might be made with a clown one day, but the next day you are certain that the crazy mirrors have been used to confuse or trap you. It's not your eyes, it's their reflection of you that is inaccurate. 

Recently I had a conversation with someone in my family (A1) and I was certain that some points of agreement had been found. I thought that our conversation had been a phenomenal connection in many long years of crap. Of course, it was my mistake to have this type of hope. Just weeks later, after a particularly ill-conceived conversation with another extremely toxic family member (A2) that went spectacularly awry, A1 sent an email to me that was thunderous. The email told me about how I change the facts of stories and all about how I had been terrifically horrible towards A2.

Seems that, when you step away from the damaging person, you are considered mean, selfish, and sinful. They can be very manipulative, can't they?

For your reading pleasure, here is a small, tiny piece of that email from A1:

I have heard you several times tell a story that was not even close to being the truth, so you get no benefit of the doubt , I know how mean you are, and you seem to enjoy it.  I also think it's very rude the way you enjoy using your kids as pawns when It comes to seeing their Grandma, that's just very sad on your part that you treat mom like that.

Suffice it to say, I own up to all of the mistakes of judgement with regard to my conversations with both A1 and A2, especially with A1. I really thought he had come around; some of what he said was so normal when we talked!  So level-headed, savvy... 

My fault for having the hope.
The email threw me for a loop for awhile until I came to the healthier place where I again realize that these people are not able to move beyond their games and drama and unhappiness and falseness and polka dot car. I'm sad for them.  That's part of the loss, isn't it? When we move toward the light we have to forfeit any hope of any healthy relationship with these people.  I remember now, a clown car is a particularly unfun mode of transportation.

1 comment:

  1. Oh man. I'm so sorry. =( It's so confusing isn't it? It's so hard to not let those kind of accusations take root, isn't it? Love and Hugs! Thank you for sharing your story!