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Sunday, December 21, 2014

Escalation of a Toxic System or Relationship

recovery from emotional abuse, emotionally abusive statements, states of emotional abuse, toxic, escalating abuse
It starts slowly, the abuse.
In the beginning you are treated as though you are a life saver.  

THANK YOU, they will say, because that last person was horrible! You are perfect for me. That other person treated me badly and got really crazy. Aren't you something?! You have swept me off of my feet. You are amazing. I really couldn't make it without you! If it wasn't for you I don't know what I would do. I love being with you. You make me feel special. You are perfect. Here is an extravagant gift or reward.  They hurt me and told major lies about me. They were insane. It was all their fault.

I really depend on you. I've got it really good with you. I forgot because I was very stressed out; it won't happen again. Let's celebrate you. Whatever you are doing is way better than the last person; they really became a bitch. I need you. You have changed things around here. You are the best! You messed that up. Everyone is happy that I have found someone like you. Thank you for listening. The grass is greenish today. You are the only person who understands me. Why didn't you do my stuff first? Don't you love me? Just kidding. We are perfect together. I've been waiting for someone like you.

We are a great partnership, aren't we? Will you please do this work over again. Here are some treats and perks. I didn't mean to say that about you to that person. I'll pay that; you can count on me. You are my favorite. I don't like that person that you are friends with. Do you talk about me with them? And what did you say about me? You are a good one. Thanks for loving me. You've got it really good with me. Don't be so sensitive; I was only joking. You always take things the wrong way. It's you and me against the world, Baby. I'll take care of that for you because you can count on me. In fact, let go of that and let me handle it.

I feel connected to you; let's always share everything. You should hear what they said about you?! We wouldn't have fought if you hadn't seen that person again, like I asked you. Things are going great, why do you have to bring that up again? Come on, let's forget that stuff. That success of yours is a total fluke. You are wrong; I didn't say that. The grass is blue. I'm sorry, it will never happen again. Can't you take a joke? You are so forgiving and kind. I need someone like you. I found this in your car. Here is a gift; you deserve it. I'll never do it again. Why did you tell those people what happened between us? Let's just keep it private.

You put up with my moods. You're not perfect either. Why didn't you ask first? We've got something really special here, don't mess it up. You tell lies about me. I need your loyalty. Is it your time of the month? Things would go smoother if you just did as I asked. Life isn't fair, just deal with it. That is not at all what I said. I'm right and you are wrong. The sky is green. You used to be a good little girl. That other person doesn't care about you as much as I do. Why are you making such a big deal about this? You need me. It's because I'm under stress. I like you in that other dress. What has happened to you? You're a total mess. Can't we just make this work? Stick to the program and everything will be OK. I know I need help. Something bad just happened and I need you now more than ever.

I need more attention from you. Why weren't you home? I like it when you are with me. Call in sick, I need you here. It is your fault that I lost my temper. Why are you so sensitive? I found this in your purse. Things would be like they used to be if you would only stop what you are doing. Why didn't you invite me along? No one loves you the way that I do. You're ashamed of me. You have gotten so fat. Yes, I broke it; I bought it! Why do you always make things worse? The fucking sky is green and if you can't face that, well, I can't help that you are stupid. I wouldn't have messed up if you hadn't said that. Your work is suffering. Your bullshit bores me. You are lucky to have me. Are you on the rag? You really need help. It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you? Stop whining about it. What about me; doesn't what I want count? Other people agree with me. 

Unless you sleep with me I will punish you. I'm the only one who cares about you. I get mad because you push me. No one will believe you. It's your fault that I did that. Where were you? If you weren't so needy things would be much better. Other people agree with me that you are crazy. Do you really think that I like that thing you did?! That is not what I said! You are remembering that totally wrong. That is not what I said. I said Do This Work, so do it! There is no sky. This other person is far better than you are, they are far easier to talk to than you and your bullshit. No wonder you were single when I met you. If you love me you will do it. Why should I apologize. Why should I put up with your crap?

Oh my god, you are so fucking crazy.


No one sets out to become a part of a toxic relationship, work system, family system, or friend system. No one would purposely choose it. You are not to blame for becoming embroiled in a sinkhole of manipulation. This person or system has an actual system that they use to hook kind people. You happened to fit the profile of a person who is kind-hearted, open, loving, and trusting.

It happened to you, not because of you.
Use the internet, Inform yourself, remind yourself to trust your senses, seek out a good therapist, stay safe.


  1. Wow. That was incredibly powerful and painful to read. I'm so glad you are writing here! I'm moving into the light right along with you! Hugs!

  2. This is so spot on! thank you so much for posting all of these! I went through the exact same thing with my last boyfriend. How can someone be so vicious and cruel and then say you're the love of their life? :/