heirloom abuse, parental abuse, emotional abuse
For many years of therapy I kept waiting and waiting and waiting for him to acknowledge what he was doing and how it hurt me. I was waiting and trying to convince him and explaining and to seeking make it clear.
His continued response was
What about me? Doesn't what I want count?
How can you do this to me?
I wasted many years OF MY LIFE on this one goal, a goal of getting him to understand, to apologize. Of getting him to take responsibility. Of having him see through the confusion and anger and the bewildering swirl of emotions and pain. I needed him to do this; I was the kid, after all.
He never, ever looked at me and said I did that, I was wrong, it hurt you. Let's see what you need.
Remember, they are the truly toxic and sick one.
You are stronger, clearer thinking, and healthier because you are able to see reality, to see truth, and to see the way out. In their current state, they simply cannot do what you can do.
TODAY, this very moment, recognize that the time you are wasting is your own precious time. Change your focus from I need him/her to understand to I will do what it takes to create a healthy life for myself. Maybe you are fortunate enough to not have this particular internal struggle. But if you do, recognize it now.
Know that that goal is not worth your time, effort, emotions, energy, or focus. Know that the morass of someone else's agonizing chaos is not within your power to manage. Know that other goals are reachable. Know that your compassion and truth are wasted at this moment on someone who cannot benefit from your clarity. Other parts of your life will benefit from the expended energy.
Reclaim your life.
Reclaim your time.
You are worth it!
His continued response was
What about me? Doesn't what I want count?
How can you do this to me?
I wasted many years OF MY LIFE on this one goal, a goal of getting him to understand, to apologize. Of getting him to take responsibility. Of having him see through the confusion and anger and the bewildering swirl of emotions and pain. I needed him to do this; I was the kid, after all.
He never, ever looked at me and said I did that, I was wrong, it hurt you. Let's see what you need.
You are stronger, clearer thinking, and healthier because you are able to see reality, to see truth, and to see the way out. In their current state, they simply cannot do what you can do.
TODAY, this very moment, recognize that the time you are wasting is your own precious time. Change your focus from I need him/her to understand to I will do what it takes to create a healthy life for myself. Maybe you are fortunate enough to not have this particular internal struggle. But if you do, recognize it now.
Know that that goal is not worth your time, effort, emotions, energy, or focus. Know that the morass of someone else's agonizing chaos is not within your power to manage. Know that other goals are reachable. Know that your compassion and truth are wasted at this moment on someone who cannot benefit from your clarity. Other parts of your life will benefit from the expended energy.
Reclaim your life.
Reclaim your time.
You are worth it!
"I will do what it takes to create a healthy life for myself" This. This is what I want to keep as my "intention" for this period of my life. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThere comes a point that eventually, for the sake of our own sanity, we have to accept the fact that the apology that we've been so dyingly waiting for is the one we never accept..
ReplyDeleteI've been trying so hard to make someone in my recent toxic relationship about what have been wrong and how thing I need from him is simply just an honest apology, after everything he did to me. Nothing more. But he, never did that. He never admit it. Because like I quoted from one of your writings, "there is truly no closure with someone toxic".
All we need is eventually apologize to ourselves, for keep letting our hearts hurt, by keep on waiting and trying for someone who doesn't even value us. And we need to forgive ourselves.