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Saturday, May 28, 2016

You are not Crazy

toxic parents emotional abuse gaslighting you are not crazy
It has been awhile since I stood before him as he completely changed our collective history. He would tell stories that did not resemble reality at all and then act quite confident in the reality that he was constructing. 

I remember debating back and forth with him as he changed basic facts of each story. No, I would reply, that is not at all what happened. He would insist on the reality change with such audacious calmness that I would start to wonder if something was wrong with my memory. I started to question my own sanity at times. Could I be so wrong?

Then, if I would lose my temper he would act victorious, see what a mess you are? he would say. As if by showing emotion I was inferior and contemptible. Sometimes he nearly convinced me that my memories were faulty and that I was, in fact, just a bit, crazy.

I wasted years and Years and YEARS of my life in the pursuit of three things: convincing him of the reality of our lives, seeking an apology or some acknowledgement of responsibility from him for how he had hurt me, and persuading him to see what an incredible person I was. He never, ever did speak the truth. All of those years I wasted on a goal that would never come to fruition. 

I remember, again and again my therapists telling me that Dad's opinion of me was none of my business, telling me that I could and should move forward without Dad's approval or affection. Sadly I couldn't hear that at the time. I didn't get those important parts of the puzzle for years. I didn't understand how those words could remotely comfort me or move me forward in those days.

And still I pass these words on to you.

THIS MOMENT, here, now, recognize that you are not crazy.
You. Are. Not. Crazy.

Know that the person who is unable to live in reality cannot and will not say the words that you are so longing to hear. But you can say them to yourself.

  • They will never do the right thing, yet I can move forward.
  • I know what I need to do to care for myself.
  • The chaos in their mind is not subject to change with reason or reality, or even from the intensity of my good heart.
  • I am not crazy. I am in a crazy system.
    I will leave it as soon as possible.
  • My honesty and compassion are valuable and powerful and, used in the right direction, will take me far.
  • I will take the energy that I am wasting in this pursuit and direct it someplace that will elevate my own life.

You have the strength to reclaim your life.

You have the beauty of self confidence.
Toxicity does not exist everywhere in the world.
You deserve every step towards good health that you can take.

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