Information on this website may be copied for personal use only. No part of this website may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without the prior written permission of the author. Requests to the author and publisher for permission should be addressed to the following email:

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Own It

recovering from emotional abuse
It's not fair.
They target people like us.

People who are kind and well-meaning, who want to care for the needs of others, who want nothing more than to bring some happiness in to the world.
Are we really too nice
I don't think so!
I think that they are too duplicitous and too good at using our kindness against us.

Most of us have seen the lives that people live and we want to see them change, we want to help them to feel better.

That's the rub, though. In pursuit of a better life for those we care for, we tend to overdo it. We tend to give too much. We tend to overcompensate for what they cannot do.  We have to own this because that's the only way for us to move beyond it.

Let's admit that we were too willing to do almost anything to please them. Until they mistreated our intentions and took advantage of us, we really meant well.  For reasons of our own we were willing to let go of our own needs in order to please someone else.  But what were those reasons? We must ask ourselves this question. We must acknowledge our part in the relationship for one reason:  so that we never, ever allow ourselves to get there again.

It is perfectly normal and admirable to want to help people.  It is perfectly normal to look for a relationship that meets one's needs. It is perfectly normal to long to feel special to someone. It is perfectly normal to show one's love by putting another person's needs before ourselves at times. It is perfectly normal to seek to alleviate pain in another person.  The problem comes when one goes over the line again and again, when one ignores the warning signs, when one allows one's self to disappear into the background, self chipping away piece by piece, when one ignores or denies the warning signs of a highly dysfunctional relationship, when one covers for other adults who need to face natural and necessary consequences for their actions, when one stays so long in an abusive or unhealthy relationship that they feel powerless and crazy, and when one ignores their own needs for safety and good health.

Let's explore healthy boundaries.
We owe that to ourselves.

1 comment: