Lost in the Night

It's that deep night where their words circle in my head...and I lie in the dark repeating, refining, getting it perfect. Those words that I will never actually say to them. The exact, most perfect way of explaining their misconceptions, their inaccuracies, their complete fabrications.

My night is consumed with what I could have, should have, didn't say. In my fantasy diatribe I bust every falsehood and bit of slander and I dash each and every story told against me. In the dark I am successful.


Today in the light I realize that I, again, lost the sleep as they laid sleeping in a peaceful haze of bullshit and lies, a haze of their own construction. Another night lost...but do they win the night? 
NO for I am solid and healthy and not as fragile as I once was.

Today in the light I rinse off the residue of the night and I look myself in the mind and heart and remember that my self worth and beautiful life is not dependent on their understanding of truth. While they powerlessly flounder in a false world of their own construction, my ascent into the light is by my own power, with my own truth, and by my own hand. I do not need, require, or even want their filthy, beleaguered mind in my life. They are as oblivious as ever and I am empowered through the complex and genuine alchemy of self care, personal nurturing, and truth.

Tonight I will sleep soundly.

End the Bah Humbug

A gift I give to you.

You have the power to make the holidays what they are. Have they been traumatic, contentious, divisive, drama? Do you carry holiday baggage? Past harms? Unshed tears? Unvoiced crimes and times?

You can end it right here and right now. You can change everything.
You can take the Decembers into the next generation as a family/lovely time.

Do it.
Your descendants won't know who to thank.
But it will be you.

A gift you give yourself.

Good Words

“We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heroes or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it's our job to invent something better.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I Hated the 80s

I hated the 80s.
I really did, still do. It wasn't just the supremely bad make up, jewelry, and fashion. No, things were so bad for me. I was in such a confused place in those days. It was so bad, actually, that I barely remember long stretches of time.

I did no drugs, so that wasn't it. I did drink alot, mostly to escape. But even that wasn't why I was in such a mess. I was recovering from an extremely destructive set of life choices...all at the tail end of very damaging teen years that left me utterly destroyed and alone.

I barely remember the music, the popular tv shows, movies from that time, general popular culture... 

Somehow I emerged through that dark time with the help of excellent therapy, excellent friendships, and truly tons of introspective journaling. A few people have asked me the steps I took but I truly don't know. I was flying by the seat of my pants for years. I only realized that I had made it to the other side of it when one day I was reading a certain type of recovery book. On one of the pages was a simplified diagram of recovery. I remember sitting and looking at that diagram of internal core beliefs in the various states of recovery and realizing that I had come so far, I was at the far right on the diagram! I began to see the light.

I began to recognize my own personal power. I began to recognized how I had changed my own life. I finally saw that I had taken charge of my life; I had stopped letting life happen to me. I finally understood the meaning of the words integrity, authenticity, and honesty. Once I made these words my strictest guides...well that changed everything.

Note to Self

Numb, Inadequate

Do you feel like you are a shell of a human being? Like there's nothing inside left inside anymore? Like you've been sucked dry of everything that made you YOU? Do you feel like you don't know who you are, even that you don't care anymore? Do you feel like a shadow? 


What if I told you that depression is normal when a person has been held down for so long? Our emotions can only feel the pain for so long before they just begin to shut down, go numb. The numbness is a self-preservation mode. It's what happens when we've felt so much for so long.

YOU are still there. YOU can be resuscitated. YOU are worth it and YOU deserve it. YOU can make this happen.

If you are looking for a good place to start, begin by knowing that you are.  Know that you have the power to return to yourself.

I don't generally offer books or other websites, though there are many, many good ones. But here I'm going to offer you several books and several websites that can help. For the most part I have read the books and all links to books are at amazon.com. But I have probably not done much vetting of the websites, so use those as your discretion.

BOOKS

• Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People
• When Love Is a Lie: Narcissistic Partners & the Pathological Relationship Agenda
• Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Codependency Workbook for Narcissist Abuse Recovery
• Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
• I am Free: Healing Stories about Surviving Toxic Relationships with Narcissists and Sociopaths
• 
  

I'm still working on this post...More to follow...

 If you know of other resources,

PLEASE link them in the comment section.

This many years later, I've had excellent therapy, I've read books, I've discussed my experiences and my needs, I've gone No Contact (NC), and I've spent time working on myself rather than wasting time trying to figure them out or trying to get their apologies or expecting any change or improvement in or from them whatsoever.

As long as you focus your hope, attention, heart on the toxic one you can't focus on healing and caring for yourself.

One day, one fine day, you will feel again.
You will feel connected to yourself. You will feel hopeful.

You are not a shell, you have been abused.
Do everything you can to focus your efforts on positive self care.
Soon you will be feeling the warmth of the sun again.
Bask in it and feel alive!

Good and Kind People Say "No"

Is it time for you to say NO?