Lost in the Night

It's that deep night where their words circle in my head...and I lie in the dark repeating, refining, getting it perfect. Those words that I will never actually say to them. The exact, most perfect way of explaining their misconceptions, their inaccuracies, their complete fabrications.

My night is consumed with what I could have, should have, didn't say. In my fantasy diatribe I bust every falsehood and bit of slander and I dash each and every story told against me. In the dark I am successful.


Today in the light I realize that I, again, lost the sleep as they laid sleeping in a peaceful haze of bullshit and lies, a haze of their own construction. Another night lost...but do they win the night? 
NO for I am solid and healthy and not as fragile as I once was.

Today in the light I rinse off the residue of the night and I look myself in the mind and heart and remember that my self worth and beautiful life is not dependent on their understanding of truth. While they powerlessly flounder in a false world of their own construction, my ascent into the light is by my own power, with my own truth, and by my own hand. I do not need, require, or even want their filthy, beleaguered mind in my life. They are as oblivious as ever and I am empowered through the complex and genuine alchemy of self care, personal nurturing, and truth.

Tonight I will sleep soundly.

End the Bah Humbug

A gift I give to you.

You have the power to make the holidays what they are. Have they been traumatic, contentious, divisive, drama? Do you carry holiday baggage? Past harms? Unshed tears? Unvoiced crimes and times?

You can end it right here and right now. You can change everything.
You can take the Decembers into the next generation as a family/lovely time.

Do it.
Your descendants won't know who to thank.
But it will be you.

A gift you give yourself.

Good Words

“We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heroes or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it's our job to invent something better.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I Hated the 80s

I hated the 80s.
I really did, still do. It wasn't just the supremely bad make up, jewelry, and fashion. No, things were so bad for me. I was in such a confused place in those days. It was so bad, actually, that I barely remember long stretches of time.

I did no drugs, so that wasn't it. I did drink alot, mostly to escape. But even that wasn't why I was in such a mess. I was recovering from an extremely destructive set of life choices...all at the tail end of very damaging teen years that left me utterly destroyed and alone.

I barely remember the music, the popular tv shows, movies from that time, general popular culture... 

Somehow I emerged through that dark time with the help of excellent therapy, excellent friendships, and truly tons of introspective journaling. A few people have asked me the steps I took but I truly don't know. I was flying by the seat of my pants for years. I only realized that I had made it to the other side of it when one day I was reading a certain type of recovery book. On one of the pages was a simplified diagram of recovery. I remember sitting and looking at that diagram of internal core beliefs in the various states of recovery and realizing that I had come so far, I was at the far right on the diagram! I began to see the light.

I began to recognize my own personal power. I began to recognized how I had changed my own life. I finally saw that I had taken charge of my life; I had stopped letting life happen to me. I finally understood the meaning of the words integrity, authenticity, and honesty. Once I made these words my strictest guides...well that changed everything.

Note to Self

Numb, Inadequate

Do you feel like you are a shell of a human being? Like there's nothing inside left inside anymore? Like you've been sucked dry of everything that made you YOU? Do you feel like you don't know who you are, even that you don't care anymore? Do you feel like a shadow? 


What if I told you that depression is normal when a person has been held down for so long? Our emotions can only feel the pain for so long before they just begin to shut down, go numb. The numbness is a self-preservation mode. It's what happens when we've felt so much for so long.

YOU are still there. YOU can be resuscitated. YOU are worth it and YOU deserve it. YOU can make this happen.

If you are looking for a good place to start, begin by knowing that you are.  Know that you have the power to return to yourself.

I don't generally offer books or other websites, though there are many, many good ones. But here I'm going to offer you several books and several websites that can help. For the most part I have read the books and all links to books are at amazon.com. But I have probably not done much vetting of the websites, so use those as your discretion.

BOOKS

• Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People
• When Love Is a Lie: Narcissistic Partners & the Pathological Relationship Agenda
• Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Codependency Workbook for Narcissist Abuse Recovery
• Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
• I am Free: Healing Stories about Surviving Toxic Relationships with Narcissists and Sociopaths
• 
  

I'm still working on this post...More to follow...

 If you know of other resources,

PLEASE link them in the comment section.

This many years later, I've had excellent therapy, I've read books, I've discussed my experiences and my needs, I've gone No Contact (NC), and I've spent time working on myself rather than wasting time trying to figure them out or trying to get their apologies or expecting any change or improvement in or from them whatsoever.

As long as you focus your hope, attention, heart on the toxic one you can't focus on healing and caring for yourself.

One day, one fine day, you will feel again.
You will feel connected to yourself. You will feel hopeful.

You are not a shell, you have been abused.
Do everything you can to focus your efforts on positive self care.
Soon you will be feeling the warmth of the sun again.
Bask in it and feel alive!

Good and Kind People Say "No"

Is it time for you to say NO?

Mumbling

When I was a kid, actually even into my twenties, whenever I would begin speaking in my dad's house someone would interrupt me with a sharp STOP MUMBLING! I would begin speaking again and, again, my words would be interrupted with a curt shout of SPEAK UP!

Imagine my heart beating, my vision begin to shrink, the panic begin again any time I had something to say.


Fast forward a couple of decades, many life experiences later, lots of distance from my toxic ones, over a decade of good therapy and great reading, making the difficult decision to choose myself, tons of introspection and conversation, friendships with remarkable women, and several advanced degrees and I do feel as though what I have to say has meaning. Because of the many experiences that I gave myself, that I used to grow myself, I realized that what I think and feel has value. I also realized that I have a voice. That's right, I have a voice and I will use it.

I deserve to be heard and not because of my credentials. 
It's because I am a human being...and so are you.

You deserve to be heard. 
You deserve to be seen. 
Because you matter. 

I can promised you that the toxic people in your life will never have the ability to show you your value nor will they support the things you do to strengthen yourself; you will likely have to discover that away from them. On your own, in the world, struggling to find your own voice, making choices for yourself. Even thought that last sentence might sounds terrifying, the very day that you finally find your voice you will look at those alone days as empowering and necessary because, slowly, over time you will discover something growing deep within you...that something will be YOU.

Does any of this relate to you?
I promise, if you find yourself wondering Do I deserve better? ...You do.

Over the years I have learned that listening to someone speak is loving them. Yes, it is as simple as that. When someone listens to you, gives you their time and attention they are displaying love to you. Agreeing is unnecessary...but nice.

I don't mumble anymore.
I changed my life by taking the difficult paths and by choose myself every single time I needed to. You can do it.

Things I Can Control

You are not Crazy

toxic parents emotional abuse gaslighting you are not crazy

It has been awhile since I stood before him as he completely changed our collective history. He would tell stories that did not resemble reality at all and then act quite confident in the reality that he was constructing. 

I remember debating back and forth with him as he changed basic facts of each story. No, I would reply, that is not at all what happened. He would insist on the reality change with such audacious calmness that I would start to wonder if something was wrong with my memory. I started to question my own sanity at times. Could I be so wrong?

Then, if I would lose my temper he would act victorious, see what a mess you are? he would say. As if by showing emotion I was inferior and contemptible. Sometimes he nearly convinced me that my memories were faulty and that I was, in fact, just a bit, crazy.

I wasted years and Years and YEARS of my life in the pursuit of three things: convincing him of the reality of our lives, seeking an apology or some acknowledgement of responsibility from him for how he had hurt me, and persuading him to see what an incredible person I was. He never, ever did speak the truth. All of those years I wasted on a goal that would never come to fruition. 

I remember, again and again my therapists telling me that Dad's opinion of me was none of my business, telling me that I could and should move forward without Dad's approval or affection. Sadly I couldn't hear that at the time. I didn't get those important parts of the puzzle for years. I didn't understand how those words could remotely comfort me or move me forward in those days.


And still I pass these words on to you.

THIS MOMENT, here, now, recognize that you are not crazy.
You. Are. Not. Crazy.
Know that the person who is unable to live in reality cannot and will not say the words that you are so longing to hear. But you can say them to yourself.

• They will never do the right thing, yet I can move forward.
• I know what I need to do to care for myself.
• The chaos in their mind is not subject to change with reason or reality, or even from the intensity of my good heart.
• I am not crazy. I am in a crazy system.
  I will leave it as soon as possible.
• My honesty and compassion are valuable and powerful and, used in the right direction, will take me far.
• I will take the energy that I am wasting in this pursuit and direct it someplace that will elevate my own life.

You have the strength to reclaim your life.
You have the beauty of self confidence.
Toxicity does not exist everywhere in the world.
You deserve every step towards good health that you can take.

Therapy? Maybe.

We all have our own issues, you know. Some of us spend too much money in order to chase away the I'm not good enoughs. Some of us doubt our own abilities and lack self confidence. Some of us have unhappy voices in our heads reminding us of our past actions.

It's hard being a grown up; it's hard being a human being. We only know what we know and most of us inherit behaviors and thoughts from past generations.

I'm talking about this today because we, as a more enlightened generation of parents have it within our power to really change humanity. We who are the current bearers of confusion, pain, anxiety, and messed up thoughts have tools at our disposal that can help us dispose of some of this crap forever; we can make choices that will allow us to pass on healthier and happier messages to our children.


What AM I Talking About?

Some places where the human race has been muddled, shamed, impaired, and awkward include healthy sexuality, expression of feelings, learning to handle anxiety and depression, confronting pain and injury, believing in ourselves, confidently being on our own side, choosing healthy things and people in our lives, healthy conflict, healthy boundaries, intimacy, choosing relationships, etc. 

From sexuality to anxiety to anger issues, we now have access to internal and external modes of treatment and education to actively improve our ways of dealing with the frisson points between ourselves and the rest of the world. Nearly every adult has access to good interventions of our own issues and we need to gratefully and optimistically grab hold of those healthy interventions.

And why?
Partially so as to not pass those inherited or circumstantial issues on to our beloved offspring. Partially so that we can create our own life rather than live with the damaging crap that we inherited.

Are you game?