You are Not My Cup of Tea

Sarcastic Tendencies

Happy, secure people have no need to put others down.

I know of some people who seem to feel empowered when they say things to break someone else down. Most of us know people like this. Recently I heard one person lay down a dis to a really nice friend of mine, a very sweet person whose feelings were hurt. The disser could easily have claim just kidding. In fact, people do it every day and get away with it.

Sarcasm is hidden bullying.

In fact, the Greek root for sarcasm, sarkazein, is to tear flesh like dogs? Did you know that?

We all back down from our confrontation of a bully when they claim kidding because we don't want to look petty, overly sensitive, or victimy. But we all know that people who claim kidding are really getting their licks in any way that they can because no one is calling them on it. We also all know someone who is the target of this kidding and who feels powerless to stop it. That is why I make it a point, any time someone is pulling this old trick, to say No More Kidding, then. Because it is not funny and because we all know that old trick. I think it's time to put an end to it for so many reasons.

Often, people who use sarcasm as a passive-aggressive way to make fun act disdainful of kindness, politeness, awareness of the feelings of others. They see kindness and such as weakness. At this point, they don't understand that it takes a strong person to show kindness in the face of unpleasantness, rudeness, or treachery.

Sarcasm and put downs are insidious for another reason: they are underhanded and secretive. Behind mocking and smug superiority is a hurtful criticism hiding behind a veil of jocularity. The joker can even say to someone with hurt feelings,I'm just kidding!  You are too sensitive!

People who rely on sarcasm are displaying their inability to verbalize their feelings, their disrespect for others, their poor impulse control, their inchoate self knowledge, and their undeveloped sense of compassion. They are even, sometimes, identifying with a person who has victimized them in the past. And they don't even know it. They are busy closing their eyes to the harmful effects that their words have on others and they are busy thinking, Why don't you just lighten up?

The person who bullies in this way has no need to see themselves as an oppressor because they keep themselves veiled in the cloak of joking, even to themselves. The acerbic-tongued person is quite convinced that they are superior, entertaining, and well-liked. But a person who relies on sarcasm, scorn, ridicule, or mockery is actually struggling with low self esteem and poor knowledge of their true self.  They just don't realize it.  

On social media I often see memes glorifying sarcasm as a superior way of dealing with "stupid people". But I disagree. Sarcasm is nothing more than bullying and a lack of grace, kindness, and courtesy. Maybe I am alone in this, but I don't find sarcasm and derision entertaining.

As a recovering sarcasm junkie myself, I know that when a person uses sarcasm as a major approach to interact with the world around them, they keep true friendship at bay. They see others as inferior, stupid, irrelevant while being unaware of their own fragility, vulnerability, fear of failure. Personally, it took a few episodes of injury to people that I care about before I saw exactly how the sarcasm reflected my wounded internal self. I was convinced that I was joking, clever, funny, and entertaining when, the whole time, I was floundering and fearful of having others discover my ineptitude.

But I couldn't have said that at the time.

Knowing this has made me far more compassionate to people with caustic personalities or disparaging tones when interacting with others. I recognize that they are hiding so much from themselves. In fact, most do not recognize it in themselves...

Breaking away from sarcasm was a very deliberate and long road, but with a determination to be authentic and compassionate and open and growing, I made it. And so can you. Become aware of it. Choose to make a difference. Decide to become a happier person.

And if it is your child who is sarcastic or bullying, you won't find much on the internet to help you, but this is a good place to start. If you are a parent looking for what to do when the bully is your child, come back again because I do plan on writing more about this in the future.

SO, if you are putting others down, think about working on yourself first.

You are worth it.

Love You

If you are reading and researching tonight, trying to figure out if you are in an injurious or harmful relationship, let's look at what qualities might as a harmful, injurious relationship. Let's look as a short list of questions to ask yourself. If you can answer yes to any one or more of these questions, I recommend you continue to read on. In all cases, the word partner refers to the relationship that you are exploring, regardless of that relationship, be it employer, sibling, teacher, friend, parent, etc.

• Do you feel criticized, undermined, or judged when you seek to meet a goal or to improve yourself?
  
• Do you doubt or question your partner's honesty or openness?
  
• Do you feel anxious or walking on eggshells when it is time to be with your partner?
  
• When your time with your partner ends and you are alone, do you feel utterly exhausted or downcast?
  
• Do you feel as though your partner loves and appreciates you and cares for your well-being?
  
• Does your partner tend to create competition or conflict about seeming small issues?
  
• Does your partner belittle your input, thoughts, efforts, and ideas?
  
• Does your relationship seem to be unbalanced and focused mainly on your partner?

If you can answer yes or maybe to even one of these questions, it is likely that you are embroiled in an unhealthy relationship. It's important to identify unhealthy relationships and alliances because they cause illness in many different ways. If you are unsure, know it now.
 

One person on earth is here to care for your needs: YOU.
With greater awareness of the toxicity in your life comes the greater awareness that you have a new job to do. You can take care of yourself. YOU.

The good news, you are so worth taking care of. You are loving and kind and worthy. 
You deserve warmth and care and support and understanding and heartful love and all good things. Take all of those efforts to please someone else and turn them inward.

In case you have forgotten how to take care of yourself, here are a few great starting places. 

• First, if you feel it, respect that feeling for it is real to you and it is yours. Every feeling you have deserves to be heard and felt and cared for.
• Hear your thoughts, for they are yours and deserving of attention. 
• When the thoughts are those of guilt, shame, or self-loathing, turn them around and give yourself the gift of thoughts of self-love, care, and kindness.  No matter what.
• Give yourself the gift of time because time is love. Journal, rest, talk with caring friends, find a therapist, walk in nature. With the exception of using addictive substances or behaviors, enjoy activities that nurture you.

Take this journey toward yourself.
You deserve it.

Boundaries: Don't Be Fooled

The day you finally make those steps away from the toxic one in your life you set up a challenge for them. Every single effort you make to create healthy boundaries between you and the toxic one is like a flashing light saying pursue me to their unhealthy ego and coping skills.

Your healthy boundaries may include things like having the ability to say NO, meaning it, and not apologizing for it. Healthy boundaries may include refusing to allow others to define you, speaking up when you are tread upon, maintaining high expectations for those in your life, recognize the difference between you and others, taking care of your own needs without needing others to care for you, asking for what you need, and allowing relationships to take time before making commitments to them.

Maintaining these personal rules, boundaries, show a sign of higher self esteem, increased stability in your life and in your relationships, greater confidence, a reality-based life, and a more fulfilling life. Who can resist that?!  The toxic one will attempt to recontact you, they will try to reengage you.

Know This

The toxic one will sound so very sincere, so very wounded, so very needy.  Or they will sound so very healthy. They will apologize. They will take the blame. They will sound reasonable. They will say how much they will miss you. They will sound well-meaning. They will seem perfectly innocent and reasonable. They will look like they did in the beginning when you were first attracted to them: too good to be true.

Know this: changing dysfunctional patterns take significant effort and time and deliberate activity. Buying into their false claims will take you off of the hard road toward yourself that you have been walking.

Know this: their mask of perfection is back on. They still believe that they are not to blame and they will return to their toxicity very quickly. Their toxicity cannot remain hidden long.

Know this: that your walk toward yourself is too important to enter back into the cycle of drama, cruelty, ugliness, and heartbreak.

You Have Come This Far

Celebrate that road towards yourself. Continue to create yourself, to learn about yourself, to become who you truly are. Remember to stay on the pathway to yourself by maintaining the boundaries that you have fought so hard to erect...move forward, ever forward; move toward that bright future where you are healthy and your relationships are healthy.

Have no doubt: your healthy boundaries are your key to the life you are longing for.

Powerless or Powerful?

Did you think of that?
They're playing every single mind game at their disposal and you have bought into it in an effort to keep the peace. But now you've caught on. Now you can see it. Now they can no longer keep you confused, silent, compliant.

When you finally see their game, you become powerful.

Know that there is an end.
Know that you have choices.
Know that they don't get to define you.

Know that there is safety outside of the system.

Now you know.

You've Got This You've Got This You've Got This

It's one of those times when it is not so obvious how to live my own life. I'm smack dab in the center of a family situation that is difficult and impossible to simplify. Because I am helping a family member with a medical crisis I have reengaged with family members that I have been estranged from for years.  I have reengaged online so that I can keep everyone informed about the medical crisis of a sibling.

Anyway, I'm sure you know where I am going with this.
I am, again, swimming in toxicity.  

I'm very selective with whom I share myself. I choose to share my authenticity, my energy, my time, my passions, and my attention only to people who are sincere, trustworthy, in earnest, and genuine. Yet here I am in constant contact with toxic people and I am hearing family toxic stories, claims, and criticism of me that I have stayed away from for these many years.

Furthermore I'm far away from the incredible support of my husband, children, and friends. It is really getting to me. When I flew home for a short visit I found myself awake all night, toxic words in my head, feeling incredibly poisoned, and completely unable to stop the crap and go to sleep.

My husband woke up, held me, stroked my hair, whispered in my ear, gave me the beauty of love and kindness and, finally, I fell asleep. The next morning I remembered, I have been here before. I have the strength to find my personal piece of mind. I have healthy resources. I know for certain that I can find my way through this because I have done it before.

I trust my own growth. And besides, I deserved that good cry.

When You're Back on Your Feet Again

It feels so alone, so endless.
But I am here to tell you that one day, it will be over.
One day you will look behind you and see that you have been walking tall and confident and honestly; your steps will be straight and even.

This is a reminder to you, when you have forgotten that there will be a new day, when you have lost sight of the real you, when you haven't seen yourself in so long.
YOU. 
You will be back on your feet again.


When I'm Back on my Feet Again
by Michael Bolton

Gonna break these chains around me 
Gonna learn to fly again 
May be hard, may be hard 
But I'll do it 
When I'm back on my feet again 

Soon these tears will all be dryin' 
Soon these eyes will see the sun 
Might take time, might take time 
But I'll see it 
When I'm back on my feet again 

CHORUS 
When I'm back on my feet again 
I'll walk proud down this street again 
And they'll all look at me again 
And they'll see that I'm strong 

Gonna hear the children laughing 
Gonna hear the voices sing 
Won't be long, won't be long 
Till I hear them 
When I'm back on my feet again 

I'm gonna feel the sweet light of heaven 
Shining down its light on me 
One sweet day, one sweet day 
I will feel it 
When I'm back on my feet again 

CHORUS 

And I'm not gonna crawl again 
I will learn to stand tall again 
No I'm not gonna fall again 
Cos I'll learn to be strong 

Soon these tears will all be dryin' 
Soon these eyes will see the sun 
Won't be long, won't be long 
Till I see it 
When I'm back on my feet again 
When I'm back on my feet again 
I'll be back on my feet again