Rebirth, Renewal, and Renaissance

I have several friends in their 40s and 50s who are embarking on very new seasons of their lives, right here and now, at spring time when the fecundity of life and earth are our ever-present companions. I like to think that most of us deeply feel that movement inside of all living things with the longer days and the rebirth of the warm season here in the northern hemisphere.

The journeys that my friends are taking are varied and unique, yet I am struck by one overriding component of their lives, renaissance. 
Transitional moments, renewal, embarkation. 
I love these women with all of my heart and I am tremendously moved by their journeys, individual and remarkable and disparate.

This morning, a morning of celebration for the renewal of the season, my friend Laura posted this on her Facebook page and I found it incredibly beautiful. Sharing.


EASTER MORNING IN WALES

A garden inside me, unknown, secret,
neglected for years,
the layers of its soil deep and thick.
Trees in the corners with branching arms
and the tangled briars like broken nets.

Sunrise through the misted orchard,
morning sun turns silver on the pointed twigs,
I have woken from the sleep of ages and I am not sure
if I am really seeing, or dreaming,
or simply astonished
walking towards sunrise
to have stumbled into the garden
where the stone was rolled from the tomb of longing.

EASTER MORNING IN WALES From RIVER FLOW: New and Selected Poems, © David Whyte and Many Rivers Press

Photo © David Whyte 2014
Sun Through Sycamores

In some way, many of us are entering into our own renaissance at this time of year as our lives expand, transform, harmonize with the clean, cool season. I feel it deep inside, pushing through the muddy earth, as it pokes its head into the crisp air. New projects and interesting enterprises have entered my life and I feel fortunate and excited at their possibilities.

Today I celebrate that renewal process 

and I hope that you are experiencing 

the freshness of the morning in your life.

Do you feel it in your life?
Can you sense something budding
silent, furtive, affirming?

Dedicated to the beautiful Laras and Lauras in my life.

 

 

Love From Outside of the Door

It is possible to love someone who is toxic and to not keep them in your life and I am living proof.

A few weeks ago I received a phone call from a person in my family who has been extremely hyper-critical, hyper-cutting, judgey, angry, sarcastic...toxic to the extreme for many years. Interestingly enough, my extended family (aunts and cousins, et al) have always adored that sharp personality of hers.

We used to be incredibly, incredibly close. Those years ago, as time went on I saw that she was simply killing me from the inside out. I talked to her many, many times and she knew her behavior was hurtful and harmful and she knew that I was telling her what I needed from her. Yet she could not change.

The burden of change was on me.
Keep that in mind; the burden of change is almost always on the person who is capable of seeing things clearly.

I told her that, in spite of loving her, I would not remain in the same room with her. I would move my life outside of the door of her life and hope that she could become a person of kindness. About ten years ago, I did this, I closed the door and moved on. She continued to try to reconnect for awhile, then she started smear campaigns of me whenever she could...

It was painful, but I was grateful to myself for closing that door.

~~~

A few weeks ago she called me, these many years later, and she asked for my forgiveness. She told me that she knew that she had treated me appallingly and she knew that those years of her life were lived in serious anger and derision. The intervening years have been good and bad and have taught her many lessons about what is truly essential in her life. 

Her tears and insight were remarkable and hopeful.  I told her that I forgive her completely (because, why not? Why ask for more than her sincere growth and her sincere apology?) 
She said, thank you, you just forgive me?

Yes, I said, fully.

~~~

We talked again today and her loving heart and thinking mind are very obvious. I am happy for the major transformation that her life has afforded her. Today she said, When I think of what I want, at the end of my life, when I think about what means everything to me, one of those things is you. You were right, she said, to make the decision that you did to close that door on me because you are so strong and peaceful. I am happy to be in your life again.

I remain hopeful for the people who carry such hatefulness and cruelty and anger and pain-causing emotion in their hearts. But the door is there for a purpose. When I closed that door (and I would do it again if necessary) I was able to move forward, to see our history clearer, and to feel strong about the door's existence. 
I didn't expect her return; that is a hopeful new chapter; I am happy for her!

addendum:
After a short conversation with my son I need to add:

Leaving this beloved person was not only better for me, ultimately, it required them to rethink their own choices...and moved them toward the path toward a healthier life...

My Parent is a Hypochondriac

child of a hypochondriac 

A First Person Account:

Her health, or lack thereof, is always the focus and always has been. I honestly have no idea if she is truly ill or not, ever. My responses to her claims vary from alarmed to tuning out ... because I'm exhausted.

I know I can't count on her because her issues always trump my needs. I have paid for personal help when I was on bed rest while she told people how ungrateful I was.  I only mention this because it, as a single example of a life long awareness, is to show that the reality of adulthood was one that I, alone, carry. She is free to be helpless, uninformed, unable, needy...  Somehow her weird alchemy results in her having power in those choices.

Life moves on, I'm an adult.  How does this affect me now?
As a parent I often have no idea how to respond to illness that my children go through. One of my first reactions is She's faking it  (insert shame emoticon here).

As the child of a hypochondriac I have a constant internal struggle between knowing the reality of a health situation and having no idea how to respond to it.

• Is this really happening?
• What are the realities of the illness?
• Am I overstating the symptoms?
• Am I understating the symptoms?
• Am I being whiny?
• Do I understand the necessary components to a medical issue?
• When is it a crisis?
• When do I need to see a doctor?
• Is my child a hypochondriac?
• How skewed are my perceptions of physical health?
• What to do with the shame of not knowing?
• What to do with the feelings that happen on those occasions that I need help from a friend or family member?
• What of that odd moment when I need help and someone steps in generously?
• I'm unsure how to respond to illnesses of my children. 
• Am I ill...?
• When I am ill, am I being a hypochondriac?

It feels shameful and embarrassing to never really know if my perceptions are accurate or not. And there is that additional confusion between uncertainty and appreciation when I need to ask for help and someone steps in...  I tell the healthcare provider I am the child of a hypochondriac and that makes it difficult for me to know if/when this is a problem so I appreciate your patience and information. Just today a physician said to me This is an issue that is real and that needs care.

I appreciated her understanding.

I continue to learn, to be honest, and to inform myself. I have surrounded myself with caring people who help me with my perceptions when I need that.  I am learning to trust my instincts. I am learning appropriate responses to illness and first aid needs. I am gentle with myself for my growth areas.  I am closer to the place where I know what to do. 

• I can locate and trust good medical advice.
• I can learn healthy responses to illness.
• I can inform myself about how to respond to illness.
• I can show my children these healthy responds.
• I am gentle with my own level of understanding.
• I can explain to my children and to myself how to arrive at a diagnosis and how to determine an appropriate treatment plan.
• I can trust my senses.
• I can keep my empathy and compassion whenever illness is involved.
• My children are honest reporters.
  

Scapegoat

emotional abuse, recovery, scapegoat

Is someone in your family, relationship, job place, other group scapegoated?  
Is it you?

Scapegoating is a term to label what happens when a person of authority chooses a single person, employee, or group and blames these vulnerable people for all manner of things for which they are not responsible or that are not even real accusations. Once the powerful person in the family or system chooses the scapegoat the entire system will often join in with name calling, targeting, shaming, blaming, belittling, victimizing, abusing, and projecting, especially if the group is made up of emotionally immature or unquestioning people.

Anytime a person is at the bottom of the pecking order they naturally begin to think of themselves as bad, guilty, culpable, valueless, inferior... Accepting the blame, shrinking, enduring the domination, or swallowing the prejudice becomes a way of moving through the world. Being the scapegoat in one system makes it comfortable to be scapegoated in other systems as well.

Most parents do all they can to treat their children equally. Most places of employment seek to operate in fairness and justice. Most churches, classrooms, and other groups try to make their organizations healthy and loving and warm. But the unhealthiest of them project their unhealthy toxicity onto the weakest or most vulnerable. 

The quiet, the hyperactive, the quirky, the outside-of-the-box, the rebellious, 
the one unable to speak up for themselves, the different one, the mentally ill.  These are the people often chosen to be the one to carry the blame.
The scapegoat.

The scapegoated child becomes a suffering adult. 
The scapegoated employee becomes less and less employable. 
The scapegoated spouse becomes powerless. 

The pattern continues UNTIL the scapegoated person recognizes the dynamic. 
If you are this person, try to understand the toxic system later. Start today by recognizing that you can change the pattern in your own life. You have the power to learn more. Within you is the ability to be happy.

Read. Talk to supportive people. Read. Put distance between you and anyone who tries to keep you bound in that scapegoat box. Read, Seek help to break the patterns, to loosen the ties that bind you. Read, Decide to heal that wounded person inside of you. Read. Know the difference between being wrong and being to blame.


If you are working on affirmations, consider adding these:

• I am my own authority.
• I am a unique, interesting, precious human being.
• I am true to myself.
• This is my life.
• At any instant I can begin a new life.
• I am skeptical of criticism and of critics.
• All of my feelings are mine.
• I define myself.
• I accept responsibility for my own life.
• I don't need the critics to understand, accept, or approve of my growth. 
• I deserve kindness.
• I treat myself with love and gentleness. 
• It is normal to make errors.
• I can find happiness and harmony in this life.

 

 

Moving Forward. At Last.

It's not true, you know.
They have made us feel this way.
They have criticized, corrected, sarcasmed, controlled, abused us into thinking that we can't do a single thing right.

We feel half alive, we feel like we can't do the simplest of things right, we can't speak up, our voices tremble, we mumble, we feel as though we are broken or faulty, we can't face new projects, we feel personally responsible for failures of the system around us, we don't trust our own perceptions or memories, we carry shame, our relationships take more than we have to give, we feel overwhelmed, we feel invisible, our bodies don't feel real, we fully expect to fail, we think we have no value, we never feel good enough.

It is now clear that the people around us will not change or help. They are not interested in seeing us feel better. They deny having any part in our demise. They blame us too. They seem to jump on our errors. They can't see our floundering... our drowning...

We wonder How much of this do I have to take?

OK.
OKAY, ENOUGH.

We now know that it is up to us to make the changes. We have read enough to get started. We know that there are resources out there to help. We know who will support us, cheer us on, give witness to our risk. We know that it is our next move. We know that the choice is ours. The spark is there, the desire is there. We are no longer putting it off, closing our eyes and sleepwalking. We have the power inside, the power to take that single step forward...away...towards.

Without knowing where that first footfall will take us, we can take the first step down this road that we are creating. Without seeing a destination, we can know that the journey is valuable, constructive, ...worthy. Without a single other witness, we can reach toward that which we yearn.

What is at the end of the journey?
We are.
I am.

We deserve this.
I deserve this. 

Own It

recovering from emotional abuse

It's not fair.
They target people like us.
People who are kind and well-meaning, who want to care for the needs of others, who want nothing more than to bring some happiness in to the world.
Are we really too nice? 
I don't think so!
I think that they are too duplicitous and too good at using our kindness against us.

Most of us have seen the lives that people live and we want to see them change, we want to help them to feel better.

That's the rub, though. In pursuit of a better life for those we care for, we tend to overdo it. We tend to give too much. We tend to overcompensate for what they cannot do.  We have to own this because that's the only way for us to move beyond it.

Let's admit that we were too willing to do almost anything to please them. Until they mistreated our intentions and took advantage of us, we really meant well.  For reasons of our own we were willing to let go of our own needs in order to please someone else.  But what were those reasons? We must ask ourselves this question. We must acknowledge our part in the relationship for one reason:  so that we never, ever allow ourselves to get there again.

It is perfectly normal and admirable to want to help people.  It is perfectly normal to look for a relationship that meets one's needs. It is perfectly normal to long to feel special to someone. It is perfectly normal to show one's love by putting another person's needs before ourselves at times. It is perfectly normal to seek to alleviate pain in another person.  The problem comes when one goes over the line again and again, when one ignores the warning signs, when one allows one's self to disappear into the background, self chipping away piece by piece, when one ignores or denies the warning signs of a highly dysfunctional relationship, when one covers for other adults who need to face natural and necessary consequences for their actions, when one stays so long in an abusive or unhealthy relationship that they feel powerless and crazy, and when one ignores their own needs for safety and good health.

Let's explore healthy boundaries.
We owe that to ourselves.

Five Chapters

Recovery

My recovery process was long and arduous, probably most are. As I moved forward into learning a healthier way of living I realized how much false knowledge I had in my head. So many of the things that I thought I knew turned out to be false, skewed, twisted, or misleading. It was weird. 

Eventually my motto became Question Everything. That was how I approached almost everything, from memories I had to so-called common knowledge to rituals to reasons why to motivations. I questioned all of it.

Excessive? Maybe.
But, today, I'm proud of that journey.

That motto Question Everything took me a long way into becoming a healthier person. One day I read another thing that absolutely changed my life. Something simple yet profound. I remember the moment I first read Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson. I think of the content of this writing as being seminal to almost all recovery.

Anyway, as I was reading it for the first time I realized that I was almost up to IV, and I was feeling great that I could recognize my own recovery journey in the poem, when a question entered my head as I was reading. I thought, WAIT, I can see my journey up to here but I have no idea what comes next. I can't predict what the final, healthy step is; what is V? What is the final chapter? 

 It was a really weird moment to realize that I still wasn't where I wanted to be and I still didn't know how to get there. So I kept reading...X is so obvious to me now.

I am sharing it here with you because this writing, so popular in recovery circles back in the day, is very important to me.

Can you relate?