Reclaim Yourself

The very moment you were treated as a pawn rather than as a vulnerable and confused child you were being used by someone for their own reasons. Think of the child in the middle of a hideous trench warfare of divorce. One parent trying to hurt the other. One parent seeking to injure the others through the kids.

YES, it will  hurt your spouse when you get the children to lie about them. 
YES, it will  hurt your spouse to have the kids deny them. 
YES, it will  hurt your spouse to display your ongoing control.
YES, it will  hurt your spouse to show them what they are leaving.
YES, it will  hurt your spouse to have the kids accept a new parent.
YES, it will  hurt your spouse to have the kids act hateful toward their parent.

But more, it will hurt the children.

As a woman in her fifties who was brainwashed for so many years, I can promise you, dear Children of Alienating Parents:

• You are not to blame.
• You deserve comfort.
• You are allowed to love anyone you love.
• You don't owe it to anyone else to feel their feelings for them.
• You can't betray one parent by loving the other as well.
• It is not your place to replace an absent parent.
• It is not your place to comfort your parent.
• You can trust your senses, even when you cannot trust stories told to you.
• People who call you or your loved ones names are exhibiting their own immaturity, not speaking the truth.
• The behavior of your parent or parents does not define you.
• You are entitled to have a relationship with any parent, sibling, or other important family/friend that you need.
• Trust yourself.
• This list is not exhaustive: Write your own!

These games played with Little You, Little Innocent and Well-Meaning you are still in your mind and your heart.
But you deserve to let those games go!
You deserve to let go of the games and the pain!
Do everything it takes to move forward because these toxic people and their manipulations, lies, and games have inhabited enough of your life. They have controlled you long enough.

Begin today. Reclaim yourself.


HOW?

Stand taller.
Refuse the stories.
See a therapist.
Speak the truth.
Stand taller still.
Speak up.
Own your own experiences.
Value every facet of yourself.
Acknowledge every truth.
Say that which is unsaid.
Know your truth.
Know your truth is valid.
Know that you deserve this.
Refuse to deny.
Stay safe.
And stand taller still.

It is a process and you deserve to take that first step.
Seek peace.

Move On and Be Glad

I'm Too Sensitive

I'm a Burden

I suck. i wish i would die. i'm a burden. i suck. i wanna die. i hate myself. I hate myself. I'm a pain in the ass. i'm sick of myself.
Some days are worse than others and these are the worst. You feel as though you are being a tremendous pain in the ass. You hate yourself and wish your life would end. You are certain that the people in your life are weary of your pain. Surely your needs are difficult to handle and everyone is exhausted of the nuisance that is your life. 
It feels like a relentless load, your life, and you fear that the people in your life consider you to be an plague to have around.

The truth of the matter is that you need help.
That fact doesn't make you unlovable.

Every person on the planet requires help at some point. Every one of us requires a hand up. Some periods of crisis and need last far longer than we like. It is embarrassing. It feels shameful. 

Maybe your behavior has been appalling.
Maybe you are unpleasant to be around.
Maybe you have acted in ways that embarrass you and that tax others.
Maybe you feel as though you are falling apart.
Maybe you and your support people feel incredibly powerless and sad by your struggles.
Maybe you feel too needy.
Too sensitive.
Pathetic.

This is one of those times of your life when you are on the receiving end of help. Later in your life you will be on the giving end. One day you will be on your feet, standing tall...and when you are you will offer your hand and your heart to those around you who feel like a burden to those around them. You will understand completely.

For this moment of your life you are on the receiving end. 

And still, STILL you are lovable. 

You are worthy. 

You are deserving of love and care and kindness.

I Need Closure

I need answers. I need to understand. narcissist, recovery from emotional abuse

You wanted them to be someone else, the person that they presented themselves as. They came to you looking handsome and charismatic and charming and perfect. They saw someone who was open to love, kindness, and connection. They conquered. 

You did nothing wrong in being open to someone. They took advantage of your gentleness, your loving heart, your optimism. Perhaps they had an abusive childhood; perhaps they didn't get love in a healthy manner; perhaps their toxicity was come by honestly. Still, you cannot fix it.

You know all of the relationships that the toxic one had before you? Relationships with people that they now characterize as crazy? Those people believed in them too at one point. Those so-called crazy people escaped them. They are now recovering from the toxic one. Those people are still spitting out the water from the last time the toxic one let them drown. Those people have had no closure either.

Why do they have no closure? Because there is truly no closure with someone toxic. 
In order to escape you must see it for what it is, not for what you wish it to be. Know that there is no explanation, no understanding, no satisfying conclusion, and no forgiveness as an ending to this relationship. 

You must accept it for what it is, lift yourself up, and move on to the life you deserve, to the life that you are missing out on every single moment that you stay. 

There is no closure.
Don't call. Don't visit. Don't seek contact of any kind.

But there is a place of no contact. There is healing. 
There is fresh air and sunshine. There is peace. There is you.

Triangulation

In a family or group of any kind, it is always preferable to talk directly to a person with whom you have conflict. 

Seems kind of logical, doesn't it?

But in some groups, families, or relationships, a great deal of communication goes on behind the scenes by a very manipulative person: a triangulator. 

The triangulator may set up scenarios where one person is talking to a third person (or a fourth or fifth person) in order to get that person to join the side of the first person...ugh; or where one person is relaying information back and forth between two people in conflict, people who haven't spoken to one another at all, adding their own opinions and slants to the stories; when one person tells a second person that a third person says this about them, thereby provoking anger and dissent between the two; scenarios like where a dominant person slanders or devalues loved ones to a subordinate so that the subordinate becomes more dependent on the dominant person for information, friendship, comradeship. Triangulation.

All of these cases are called triangulation and in of these cases, the person in the middle, the person doing the triangulating, is manipulating situations to be more in his or her favor. The actions of in a toxic triangulating person tend to cause drama, pain, conflict.

Is the toxic person in your life in the habit of pointing out the negative points of your friends, your family, your children, your job, your church, public institutions, or any other support or connection group, thereby putting a barrier or conflict between you and these supports? Are you being slandered to friends, family, etc? Are you left out of the loop? Are you left stranded? Have you been reported to public or social institutions and are now being investigated for unfounded or bizarre claims against you, claims that might actually be true of the toxic person? Is your access to necessary resources cut off? 

But WHY would someone engage in this exhausting and chaotic activity? What sort of gratification can a toxic person possibly obtain through triangulation?

It is all about control.

The toxic triangulator gains allies against you, putting you in the subordinate position. They are extremely deliberate in their approach; they are good at it. You become enmeshed in a never-ending chaos of their creation. You feel as though you cannot get your life back.

What to do?

But be hopeful because there are specific and doable ways to prevent yourself from getting into situations this dire and chaotic.  Maintaining control of your life, not letting go of control, maintaining healthy boundaries, are absolutely essential keys to prevent toxic people from getting control of your life, to avoid toxic relationships, and to create a life where healthy relationships can happen.

I remember a friend years ago telling her therapist I let people in too soon and I reveal myself too early and they hurt me.
The therapist replied Well, don't do that. 

Time is a Gift That I Give to Myself