I'm a Burden

I suck. i wish i would die. i'm a burden. i suck. i wanna die. i hate myself. I hate myself. I'm a pain in the ass. i'm sick of myself.
Some days are worse than others and these are the worst. You feel as though you are being a tremendous pain in the ass. You hate yourself and wish your life would end. You are certain that the people in your life are weary of your pain. Surely your needs are difficult to handle and everyone is exhausted of the nuisance that is your life. 
It feels like a relentless load, your life, and you fear that the people in your life consider you to be an plague to have around.

The truth of the matter is that you need help.
That fact doesn't make you unlovable.

Every person on the planet requires help at some point. Every one of us requires a hand up. Some periods of crisis and need last far longer than we like. It is embarrassing. It feels shameful. 

Maybe your behavior has been appalling.
Maybe you are unpleasant to be around.
Maybe you have acted in ways that embarrass you and that tax others.
Maybe you feel as though you are falling apart.
Maybe you and your support people feel incredibly powerless and sad by your struggles.
Maybe you feel too needy.
Too sensitive.
Pathetic.

This is one of those times of your life when you are on the receiving end of help. Later in your life you will be on the giving end. One day you will be on your feet, standing tall...and when you are you will offer your hand and your heart to those around you who feel like a burden to those around them. You will understand completely.

For this moment of your life you are on the receiving end. 

And still, STILL you are lovable. 

You are worthy. 

You are deserving of love and care and kindness.

I Need Closure

I need answers. I need to understand. narcissist, recovery from emotional abuse

You wanted them to be someone else, the person that they presented themselves as. They came to you looking handsome and charismatic and charming and perfect. They saw someone who was open to love, kindness, and connection. They conquered. 

You did nothing wrong in being open to someone. They took advantage of your gentleness, your loving heart, your optimism. Perhaps they had an abusive childhood; perhaps they didn't get love in a healthy manner; perhaps their toxicity was come by honestly. Still, you cannot fix it.

You know all of the relationships that the toxic one had before you? Relationships with people that they now characterize as crazy? Those people believed in them too at one point. Those so-called crazy people escaped them. They are now recovering from the toxic one. Those people are still spitting out the water from the last time the toxic one let them drown. Those people have had no closure either.

Why do they have no closure? Because there is truly no closure with someone toxic. 
In order to escape you must see it for what it is, not for what you wish it to be. Know that there is no explanation, no understanding, no satisfying conclusion, and no forgiveness as an ending to this relationship. 

You must accept it for what it is, lift yourself up, and move on to the life you deserve, to the life that you are missing out on every single moment that you stay. 

There is no closure.
Don't call. Don't visit. Don't seek contact of any kind.

But there is a place of no contact. There is healing. 
There is fresh air and sunshine. There is peace. There is you.

Triangulation

In a family or group of any kind, it is always preferable to talk directly to a person with whom you have conflict. 

Seems kind of logical, doesn't it?

But in some groups, families, or relationships, a great deal of communication goes on behind the scenes by a very manipulative person: a triangulator. 

The triangulator may set up scenarios where one person is talking to a third person (or a fourth or fifth person) in order to get that person to join the side of the first person...ugh; or where one person is relaying information back and forth between two people in conflict, people who haven't spoken to one another at all, adding their own opinions and slants to the stories; when one person tells a second person that a third person says this about them, thereby provoking anger and dissent between the two; scenarios like where a dominant person slanders or devalues loved ones to a subordinate so that the subordinate becomes more dependent on the dominant person for information, friendship, comradeship. Triangulation.

All of these cases are called triangulation and in of these cases, the person in the middle, the person doing the triangulating, is manipulating situations to be more in his or her favor. The actions of in a toxic triangulating person tend to cause drama, pain, conflict.

Is the toxic person in your life in the habit of pointing out the negative points of your friends, your family, your children, your job, your church, public institutions, or any other support or connection group, thereby putting a barrier or conflict between you and these supports? Are you being slandered to friends, family, etc? Are you left out of the loop? Are you left stranded? Have you been reported to public or social institutions and are now being investigated for unfounded or bizarre claims against you, claims that might actually be true of the toxic person? Is your access to necessary resources cut off? 

But WHY would someone engage in this exhausting and chaotic activity? What sort of gratification can a toxic person possibly obtain through triangulation?

It is all about control.

The toxic triangulator gains allies against you, putting you in the subordinate position. They are extremely deliberate in their approach; they are good at it. You become enmeshed in a never-ending chaos of their creation. You feel as though you cannot get your life back.

What to do?

But be hopeful because there are specific and doable ways to prevent yourself from getting into situations this dire and chaotic.  Maintaining control of your life, not letting go of control, maintaining healthy boundaries, are absolutely essential keys to prevent toxic people from getting control of your life, to avoid toxic relationships, and to create a life where healthy relationships can happen.

I remember a friend years ago telling her therapist I let people in too soon and I reveal myself too early and they hurt me.
The therapist replied Well, don't do that. 

Time is a Gift That I Give to Myself

Be the Artist

They steal your joy.
They bring disapproval into your garden. 
They dis you, your efforts, your children, your home, your needs, your experiences, your strength, your feelings, just expressing yourself. They bring cutting sarcasm, disrespect, minimizing important things, blaming, efforts to control you, and psychological attacks. 

We know that at some level our penchant to care too much, our altruism, our sensitivity actually makes us a target to cruel, lying, betraying , or hurtful, small people. 

What they don't expect is that moment when we stand up and say no more. They are shocked the moment we quietly close the door. They are in a state of disbelief the moment we trust ourselves, trust our instincts, and stop participating in their power game. 

We are ready and on the move.
We have found the gumption and the renewal.
We pick up our own paintbrush and become the artist of ourselves, and we are the artwork. Let's make it personal.
We are worth it.


I'm ready for some affirmations:
I am pure light.
Each day is a renewal for me.
I will bring the joy where ever I can.
I am full of personal joy.
I am living my life to the fullest.
Today is full of possibilities.
I can create and attain my dreams.
I am resilient and strong.
I am prepared for life.
I  have inner strength.
I am bold and brave.
I embrace new opportunities.
I cherish new experiences.

It is Mother's Day; Here is a Card

It's Mother's Day; here's a card.
That is the card that I have always looked for on a day like Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, and other holidays.
It is traditional that we love you and this is supposed to be your day so here is a card to let you know that I tried.

It is a difficult day. 
If you have taken years of strengthening, couraging up, and creating space between you and your parent because of all of the trauma or pain, then KUDOS to you. YAY you!
Now face this day designed to celebrate parents.
If you have worked hard for years to place space between you and your toxic parent, facing the celebrations of Mother's Day or Father's Day feels incredibly counterfeit and yet alluring somehow. The commercials on TV or in print paint that glorious image of good parenting and...inside...we long for those images of healthy.

The voices in our heads want to start believing the calls to forgive and forget and we just want to join hands with our parent and enjoy the closeness of the day. We hear the messages of reconciliation and wonder if there is something wrong with us, that we have chosen to live our lives without our own parents.

The celebrations for motherhood surround us, but what about us, the kids who have bravely severed the ties with our toxic parents? Probably the toughest break up in the world is the break up with the person who gave birth to us, the people responsible for our very existence, a person with whom we share DNA. 
Is there a celebration for us on this day?

What about those among us who have made the almost-impossible choice to take ourselves, our children, and our spouses, and to create deliberate space from our parents of origin? We have had nights, years of anguish with ourselves, crying out for healing, for release from the toxic soup of our own parents... Unhealthy parenting might be the cruelest gift to give to one's own children.

On these days we are exquisitely aware of the breech.
We are aware that we have become the bad kid when we called it quits in the game of family-of-origin life dramas.  We are perfectly aware of the absence of a grandmother figure in the lives of our children. We are completely aware that someone somewhere is thinking ill of us and in how we have mistreated them by leaving their turmoil behind.

But we did it.
We did the thing that takes tremendous courage and personal will.
And today, as so many folks celebrate that unfathomable thing, the good and loving mother, we wonder how we can make this day our own.

Consider celebrating a mother figure.
Consider adopting a senior neighborhood woman.
Consider commemorating the women and men who have helped you to feel grounded and valuable and at peace.
Celebrate the family that you have created.

And remember to celebrate that bravest of people, that person who seeks out the light and the bright, holding close the personal plan of all that is healthy. That person who sacrifices what is comfortable to discover that which is worthy of celebrating. 
Celebrate yourself.
Do whatever your loving and healing heart desires.

Rebirth, Renewal, and Renaissance

I have several friends in their 40s and 50s who are embarking on very new seasons of their lives, right here and now, at spring time when the fecundity of life and earth are our ever-present companions. I like to think that most of us deeply feel that movement inside of all living things with the longer days and the rebirth of the warm season here in the northern hemisphere.

The journeys that my friends are taking are varied and unique, yet I am struck by one overriding component of their lives, renaissance. 
Transitional moments, renewal, embarkation. 
I love these women with all of my heart and I am tremendously moved by their journeys, individual and remarkable and disparate.

This morning, a morning of celebration for the renewal of the season, my friend Laura posted this on her Facebook page and I found it incredibly beautiful. Sharing.


EASTER MORNING IN WALES

A garden inside me, unknown, secret,
neglected for years,
the layers of its soil deep and thick.
Trees in the corners with branching arms
and the tangled briars like broken nets.

Sunrise through the misted orchard,
morning sun turns silver on the pointed twigs,
I have woken from the sleep of ages and I am not sure
if I am really seeing, or dreaming,
or simply astonished
walking towards sunrise
to have stumbled into the garden
where the stone was rolled from the tomb of longing.

EASTER MORNING IN WALES From RIVER FLOW: New and Selected Poems, © David Whyte and Many Rivers Press

Photo © David Whyte 2014
Sun Through Sycamores

In some way, many of us are entering into our own renaissance at this time of year as our lives expand, transform, harmonize with the clean, cool season. I feel it deep inside, pushing through the muddy earth, as it pokes its head into the crisp air. New projects and interesting enterprises have entered my life and I feel fortunate and excited at their possibilities.

Today I celebrate that renewal process 

and I hope that you are experiencing 

the freshness of the morning in your life.

Do you feel it in your life?
Can you sense something budding
silent, furtive, affirming?

Dedicated to the beautiful Laras and Lauras in my life.