Be the Artist

They steal your joy.
They bring disapproval into your garden. 
They dis you, your efforts, your children, your home, your needs, your experiences, your strength, your feelings, just expressing yourself. They bring cutting sarcasm, disrespect, minimizing important things, blaming, efforts to control you, and psychological attacks. 

We know that at some level our penchant to care too much, our altruism, our sensitivity actually makes us a target to cruel, lying, betraying , or hurtful, small people. 

What they don't expect is that moment when we stand up and say no more. They are shocked the moment we quietly close the door. They are in a state of disbelief the moment we trust ourselves, trust our instincts, and stop participating in their power game. 

We are ready and on the move.
We have found the gumption and the renewal.
We pick up our own paintbrush and become the artist of ourselves, and we are the artwork. Let's make it personal.
We are worth it.


I'm ready for some affirmations:
I am pure light.
Each day is a renewal for me.
I will bring the joy where ever I can.
I am full of personal joy.
I am living my life to the fullest.
Today is full of possibilities.
I can create and attain my dreams.
I am resilient and strong.
I am prepared for life.
I  have inner strength.
I am bold and brave.
I embrace new opportunities.
I cherish new experiences.

It is Mother's Day; Here is a Card

It's Mother's Day; here's a card.
That is the card that I have always looked for on a day like Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, and other holidays.
It is traditional that we love you and this is supposed to be your day so here is a card to let you know that I tried.

It is a difficult day. 
If you have taken years of strengthening, couraging up, and creating space between you and your parent because of all of the trauma or pain, then KUDOS to you. YAY you!
Now face this day designed to celebrate parents.
If you have worked hard for years to place space between you and your toxic parent, facing the celebrations of Mother's Day or Father's Day feels incredibly counterfeit and yet alluring somehow. The commercials on TV or in print paint that glorious image of good parenting and...inside...we long for those images of healthy.

The voices in our heads want to start believing the calls to forgive and forget and we just want to join hands with our parent and enjoy the closeness of the day. We hear the messages of reconciliation and wonder if there is something wrong with us, that we have chosen to live our lives without our own parents.

The celebrations for motherhood surround us, but what about us, the kids who have bravely severed the ties with our toxic parents? Probably the toughest break up in the world is the break up with the person who gave birth to us, the people responsible for our very existence, a person with whom we share DNA. 
Is there a celebration for us on this day?

What about those among us who have made the almost-impossible choice to take ourselves, our children, and our spouses, and to create deliberate space from our parents of origin? We have had nights, years of anguish with ourselves, crying out for healing, for release from the toxic soup of our own parents... Unhealthy parenting might be the cruelest gift to give to one's own children.

On these days we are exquisitely aware of the breech.
We are aware that we have become the bad kid when we called it quits in the game of family-of-origin life dramas.  We are perfectly aware of the absence of a grandmother figure in the lives of our children. We are completely aware that someone somewhere is thinking ill of us and in how we have mistreated them by leaving their turmoil behind.

But we did it.
We did the thing that takes tremendous courage and personal will.
And today, as so many folks celebrate that unfathomable thing, the good and loving mother, we wonder how we can make this day our own.

Consider celebrating a mother figure.
Consider adopting a senior neighborhood woman.
Consider commemorating the women and men who have helped you to feel grounded and valuable and at peace.
Celebrate the family that you have created.

And remember to celebrate that bravest of people, that person who seeks out the light and the bright, holding close the personal plan of all that is healthy. That person who sacrifices what is comfortable to discover that which is worthy of celebrating. 
Celebrate yourself.
Do whatever your loving and healing heart desires.

Rebirth, Renewal, and Renaissance

I have several friends in their 40s and 50s who are embarking on very new seasons of their lives, right here and now, at spring time when the fecundity of life and earth are our ever-present companions. I like to think that most of us deeply feel that movement inside of all living things with the longer days and the rebirth of the warm season here in the northern hemisphere.

The journeys that my friends are taking are varied and unique, yet I am struck by one overriding component of their lives, renaissance. 
Transitional moments, renewal, embarkation. 
I love these women with all of my heart and I am tremendously moved by their journeys, individual and remarkable and disparate.

This morning, a morning of celebration for the renewal of the season, my friend Laura posted this on her Facebook page and I found it incredibly beautiful. Sharing.


EASTER MORNING IN WALES

A garden inside me, unknown, secret,
neglected for years,
the layers of its soil deep and thick.
Trees in the corners with branching arms
and the tangled briars like broken nets.

Sunrise through the misted orchard,
morning sun turns silver on the pointed twigs,
I have woken from the sleep of ages and I am not sure
if I am really seeing, or dreaming,
or simply astonished
walking towards sunrise
to have stumbled into the garden
where the stone was rolled from the tomb of longing.

EASTER MORNING IN WALES From RIVER FLOW: New and Selected Poems, © David Whyte and Many Rivers Press

Photo © David Whyte 2014
Sun Through Sycamores

In some way, many of us are entering into our own renaissance at this time of year as our lives expand, transform, harmonize with the clean, cool season. I feel it deep inside, pushing through the muddy earth, as it pokes its head into the crisp air. New projects and interesting enterprises have entered my life and I feel fortunate and excited at their possibilities.

Today I celebrate that renewal process 

and I hope that you are experiencing 

the freshness of the morning in your life.

Do you feel it in your life?
Can you sense something budding
silent, furtive, affirming?

Dedicated to the beautiful Laras and Lauras in my life.

 

 

Love From Outside of the Door

It is possible to love someone who is toxic and to not keep them in your life and I am living proof.

A few weeks ago I received a phone call from a person in my family who has been extremely hyper-critical, hyper-cutting, judgey, angry, sarcastic...toxic to the extreme for many years. Interestingly enough, my extended family (aunts and cousins, et al) have always adored that sharp personality of hers.

We used to be incredibly, incredibly close. Those years ago, as time went on I saw that she was simply killing me from the inside out. I talked to her many, many times and she knew her behavior was hurtful and harmful and she knew that I was telling her what I needed from her. Yet she could not change.

The burden of change was on me.
Keep that in mind; the burden of change is almost always on the person who is capable of seeing things clearly.

I told her that, in spite of loving her, I would not remain in the same room with her. I would move my life outside of the door of her life and hope that she could become a person of kindness. About ten years ago, I did this, I closed the door and moved on. She continued to try to reconnect for awhile, then she started smear campaigns of me whenever she could...

It was painful, but I was grateful to myself for closing that door.

~~~

A few weeks ago she called me, these many years later, and she asked for my forgiveness. She told me that she knew that she had treated me appallingly and she knew that those years of her life were lived in serious anger and derision. The intervening years have been good and bad and have taught her many lessons about what is truly essential in her life. 

Her tears and insight were remarkable and hopeful.  I told her that I forgive her completely (because, why not? Why ask for more than her sincere growth and her sincere apology?) 
She said, thank you, you just forgive me?

Yes, I said, fully.

~~~

We talked again today and her loving heart and thinking mind are very obvious. I am happy for the major transformation that her life has afforded her. Today she said, When I think of what I want, at the end of my life, when I think about what means everything to me, one of those things is you. You were right, she said, to make the decision that you did to close that door on me because you are so strong and peaceful. I am happy to be in your life again.

I remain hopeful for the people who carry such hatefulness and cruelty and anger and pain-causing emotion in their hearts. But the door is there for a purpose. When I closed that door (and I would do it again if necessary) I was able to move forward, to see our history clearer, and to feel strong about the door's existence. 
I didn't expect her return; that is a hopeful new chapter; I am happy for her!

addendum:
After a short conversation with my son I need to add:

Leaving this beloved person was not only better for me, ultimately, it required them to rethink their own choices...and moved them toward the path toward a healthier life...

My Parent is a Hypochondriac

child of a hypochondriac 

A First Person Account:

Her health, or lack thereof, is always the focus and always has been. I honestly have no idea if she is truly ill or not, ever. My responses to her claims vary from alarmed to tuning out ... because I'm exhausted.

I know I can't count on her because her issues always trump my needs. I have paid for personal help when I was on bed rest while she told people how ungrateful I was.  I only mention this because it, as a single example of a life long awareness, is to show that the reality of adulthood was one that I, alone, carry. She is free to be helpless, uninformed, unable, needy...  Somehow her weird alchemy results in her having power in those choices.

Life moves on, I'm an adult.  How does this affect me now?
As a parent I often have no idea how to respond to illness that my children go through. One of my first reactions is She's faking it  (insert shame emoticon here).

As the child of a hypochondriac I have a constant internal struggle between knowing the reality of a health situation and having no idea how to respond to it.

• Is this really happening?
• What are the realities of the illness?
• Am I overstating the symptoms?
• Am I understating the symptoms?
• Am I being whiny?
• Do I understand the necessary components to a medical issue?
• When is it a crisis?
• When do I need to see a doctor?
• Is my child a hypochondriac?
• How skewed are my perceptions of physical health?
• What to do with the shame of not knowing?
• What to do with the feelings that happen on those occasions that I need help from a friend or family member?
• What of that odd moment when I need help and someone steps in generously?
• I'm unsure how to respond to illnesses of my children. 
• Am I ill...?
• When I am ill, am I being a hypochondriac?

It feels shameful and embarrassing to never really know if my perceptions are accurate or not. And there is that additional confusion between uncertainty and appreciation when I need to ask for help and someone steps in...  I tell the healthcare provider I am the child of a hypochondriac and that makes it difficult for me to know if/when this is a problem so I appreciate your patience and information. Just today a physician said to me This is an issue that is real and that needs care.

I appreciated her understanding.

I continue to learn, to be honest, and to inform myself. I have surrounded myself with caring people who help me with my perceptions when I need that.  I am learning to trust my instincts. I am learning appropriate responses to illness and first aid needs. I am gentle with myself for my growth areas.  I am closer to the place where I know what to do. 

• I can locate and trust good medical advice.
• I can learn healthy responses to illness.
• I can inform myself about how to respond to illness.
• I can show my children these healthy responds.
• I am gentle with my own level of understanding.
• I can explain to my children and to myself how to arrive at a diagnosis and how to determine an appropriate treatment plan.
• I can trust my senses.
• I can keep my empathy and compassion whenever illness is involved.
• My children are honest reporters.
  

Scapegoat

emotional abuse, recovery, scapegoat

Is someone in your family, relationship, job place, other group scapegoated?  
Is it you?

Scapegoating is a term to label what happens when a person of authority chooses a single person, employee, or group and blames these vulnerable people for all manner of things for which they are not responsible or that are not even real accusations. Once the powerful person in the family or system chooses the scapegoat the entire system will often join in with name calling, targeting, shaming, blaming, belittling, victimizing, abusing, and projecting, especially if the group is made up of emotionally immature or unquestioning people.

Anytime a person is at the bottom of the pecking order they naturally begin to think of themselves as bad, guilty, culpable, valueless, inferior... Accepting the blame, shrinking, enduring the domination, or swallowing the prejudice becomes a way of moving through the world. Being the scapegoat in one system makes it comfortable to be scapegoated in other systems as well.

Most parents do all they can to treat their children equally. Most places of employment seek to operate in fairness and justice. Most churches, classrooms, and other groups try to make their organizations healthy and loving and warm. But the unhealthiest of them project their unhealthy toxicity onto the weakest or most vulnerable. 

The quiet, the hyperactive, the quirky, the outside-of-the-box, the rebellious, 
the one unable to speak up for themselves, the different one, the mentally ill.  These are the people often chosen to be the one to carry the blame.
The scapegoat.

The scapegoated child becomes a suffering adult. 
The scapegoated employee becomes less and less employable. 
The scapegoated spouse becomes powerless. 

The pattern continues UNTIL the scapegoated person recognizes the dynamic. 
If you are this person, try to understand the toxic system later. Start today by recognizing that you can change the pattern in your own life. You have the power to learn more. Within you is the ability to be happy.

Read. Talk to supportive people. Read. Put distance between you and anyone who tries to keep you bound in that scapegoat box. Read, Seek help to break the patterns, to loosen the ties that bind you. Read, Decide to heal that wounded person inside of you. Read. Know the difference between being wrong and being to blame.


If you are working on affirmations, consider adding these:

• I am my own authority.
• I am a unique, interesting, precious human being.
• I am true to myself.
• This is my life.
• At any instant I can begin a new life.
• I am skeptical of criticism and of critics.
• All of my feelings are mine.
• I define myself.
• I accept responsibility for my own life.
• I don't need the critics to understand, accept, or approve of my growth. 
• I deserve kindness.
• I treat myself with love and gentleness. 
• It is normal to make errors.
• I can find happiness and harmony in this life.

 

 

Moving Forward. At Last.

It's not true, you know.
They have made us feel this way.
They have criticized, corrected, sarcasmed, controlled, abused us into thinking that we can't do a single thing right.

We feel half alive, we feel like we can't do the simplest of things right, we can't speak up, our voices tremble, we mumble, we feel as though we are broken or faulty, we can't face new projects, we feel personally responsible for failures of the system around us, we don't trust our own perceptions or memories, we carry shame, our relationships take more than we have to give, we feel overwhelmed, we feel invisible, our bodies don't feel real, we fully expect to fail, we think we have no value, we never feel good enough.

It is now clear that the people around us will not change or help. They are not interested in seeing us feel better. They deny having any part in our demise. They blame us too. They seem to jump on our errors. They can't see our floundering... our drowning...

We wonder How much of this do I have to take?

OK.
OKAY, ENOUGH.

We now know that it is up to us to make the changes. We have read enough to get started. We know that there are resources out there to help. We know who will support us, cheer us on, give witness to our risk. We know that it is our next move. We know that the choice is ours. The spark is there, the desire is there. We are no longer putting it off, closing our eyes and sleepwalking. We have the power inside, the power to take that single step forward...away...towards.

Without knowing where that first footfall will take us, we can take the first step down this road that we are creating. Without seeing a destination, we can know that the journey is valuable, constructive, ...worthy. Without a single other witness, we can reach toward that which we yearn.

What is at the end of the journey?
We are.
I am.

We deserve this.
I deserve this.