Family Heirloom: The Toxic Parent

toxic parents, emotional abuse

It is an odd thing, having your parents treat you like the enemy. To add insult to injury they have often convinced the others in the family and friend circle that you are crazy and not to be trusted. The toxic parent may have projected a variety of things on to you, from the belief that you are responsible for the needs of others to an unhealthy degree to the feeling that you are worthless. In some ways this person may use their religiosity to feel as though they have a right to behave in such a way.

The toxic person, if they are ego-centric in some way, has a very charming and magnetic personality in public. Being in the lime light with them can be very heady. People tend to swarm to them, think well of them, bask in their glow. People enjoy their energy. Turn around and they are quick to tell others how badly you are treating them. They are almost a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in that their public persona is falsely confident, upbeat, vivacious.

This person will lie, twist words, evade questions, omit important facts, change the story, tell self-serving distortions, and make false accusations. You will think you are crazy.

Living as the mark to this parent is like being in a hideous fun house. No matter where you turn, people who believe the assbackward lies will turn on you, isolate you, ostracize you, and will believe every word your parent claims. You will find no allies in your known circles.

The befuddled, convinced people around you will not believe you and will think you are not defending yourself but being defensive, as though you have something to hide or an agenda to disrespect the toxic one. It is unbelievable. You will feel alone.


WHAT TO DO?

Educate yourself. The internet and the library are essential tools in learning how to disengage from the toxic parent and in figuring out what is going on in the relationship. Begin to identify the cycle of abuse and see how it is working in your life. Learn that it is not your fault. You did not cause it, you do not deserve it, and you cannot change the toxic parent.

Remove yourself from the situation. It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with the toxic parent. It is easier to work through to the healthier side of life if you are not sitting in the shit creek of the toxic relationship. However, if you cannot leave the relationship at the moment, still work on the healing stages.

Get help. Look outside of our normal circle of family and friends if you are unable to find anyone inside of it who is supportive. If your toxic parent has spread the news of your crazy exploits and disrespectful behavior, the people around you have been tainted and will not be able to see through their own brainwashing. Explore new circles of friends, new hobby clubs, activities that you enjoy. Creating growth opportunities for yourself will calm you, energize you, empower you.

Therapy. Seeing a good therapist can be one key to working through the issues, the self-esteem pain, and the conflicting internal messages. Talking about your experiences actually helps you to understand them better. A good therapist will also help you locate and learn good and healthy coping skills for handling events, dealing with emotions, feelings of anger/grief/sadness/rage, and will also be a completely supportive and validating person in your life who can help you to trust yourself and to find your way out of the maze. Furthermore, therapy will help you to locate those parts of yourself that you may now be doubting: your value, your talents, your virtues, your needs, your strength, your identity.

Take care of yourself. Eat healthy foods. Get exercise. Make a commitment to yourself to recognize your own worth, to bring change to your own life, to seek situations that bring light and goodness to your life. 

Journaling.  Putting your thoughts, confusion, feelings, and stories onto paper has a cathartic effect. It helps to clear up your thoughts, get the stories and feelings out, and to get facts straight. Journaling is also a wonderful way to express your uniqueness.  To remind you that you are you.

Create a new circle.  One new friend, maybe another. Find people who are completely yours. People who have never heard the brainwashing, who have never met your parent or other toxic one, who are on your side from the beginning. These people will know the real you. Doesn't that sound wonderful? 
Challenging?  YES.
Rewarding?  YES.  

My experiences were long and painful and I am still working on them in some ways. I am writing this blog so that I can find some closure to the pain. It surprises me when it rears its ugly head, then again how can I still be surprised at the insidious nature of the toxicity of my parents. An event brought up some crap for me in the last month or so. I'm doing much better now; this writing and people who have read it have helped.

This blog is a part of my continued journey to good mental health and a joyful life with my husband and children.

I do hope my journaling blog is helping you too.

The hurtful emotional manipulations that he plays on you are not truly connected in any way to your merits as a spouse or as a woman. If anything, those behaviors should actually serve as indicators to you that he is engaged in a power struggle where he feels the need to be “in charge” and is therefore trying to control you by diminishing your value as a spouse and as a person. It is almost an upside-down compliment: the aspects he attacks the most must be your best aspects!

There may be times when he will stoop to batter you with things you have shared with him in the past – insecurities, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings. Though these intimate details may be true of you or your personality, every human being has faults, and is unfair to accuse you of them in fights. Be mindful that in emotional abuse situations they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws mindlessly because they are within his reach and he knows they have the power to cause you damage.

Step Two: “Emotional Abuse is Control”
It is very important that you never see the assaults for anything other than what they really are: a desperate attempt to hide his own vulnerabilities by gaining power over someone else.
Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power in the relationship. It is, overall, a matter of control. However, this is not a new concept – surely you have already heard from associates or your own research that abuse is about power.
The important notion to learn after gaining this realization is that when an abuser feels that he is losing his grip (if it appears to him that you are usurping or taking on some of his power), the violence (emotional or physical) will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is directly proportional to the attacker’s sense of vulnerability.
Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not purely about control, although that is how it seems to manifest. In reality, the need for control is a way of expressing a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability. Although you may feel like the most vulnerable one during an abuse attack, the reality is, your abuse is the one feeling the most vulnerable, and handling it in an outrageously inappropriate way.

Step Three: “There’s a ‘Me’ In the Assault”

This one sounds weird, but stick with us! Your healing process involves finding the “you” in the abusive assault. Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever he uses against you, you refuse to be defined by the abuse. You draw on your own strength to determine your validity and self-worth. That means that when he draws to squish you down and say you’re an itty-bit blip that no one cares about, you stand up straight and remember that YOU are still here and that YOU (everything you are, love, think, feel, and can do) is still here and deserve every bit of respect that he’s trying to take away.

This is what gives you the ability to not only survive emotional abuse, but to thrive in the very face of it. Since this one is a little harder to practice, we included some exercises:

You can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely remembering who you are every day. This may sound easy, as if you just needed to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror every once in awhile. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you are not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will easily rip you right out. So, do both!

Every day, you need to give yourself a pep talk about your rights (remember the motto up there?). Remember also to say positive words to yourself: “I like my way of doing this task,” “I’m good at connecting with people,” etc. You also need to take time for to say hi to YOU (either through meditation, yoga, exercise, or other mind-body strengthening activities).

Do you want to receive more steps and exercises for learning how to heal from emotional abuse? You can visit us at How to Heal From Emotional Abuse to get your copy of “Healing From Emotional Abuse,” an in-depth guide to getting your life back and saying goodbye to emotional abuse for good.

- See more at: http://healingemotionalabuse.com/blog/265/learn-how-to-heal-from-emotional-abuse/#sthash.XiAIQv3F.dpuf

Do you have that in your mind now, ready to whip out and display proudly in the face of abusive people? Then let’s go on to the steps that you need to take in order to heal from emotional abuse.
Step One: “Emotional Abuse is Not About Me”

Even when you are living in the midst of verbal and physical abuse, recognize that verbal, psychological and emotional abuse behaviors are not about you, you are not at fault for them. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO MERIT, PROVOKE OR DESERVE THEM.

Your partner may insult you and use cruel words towards you, but understand that this behavior is a projection of the control fantasies of his sick and insecure mind; his remarks are in no way whatsoever a reflection of the person that you are.

The hurtful emotional manipulations that he plays on you are not truly connected in any way to your merits as a spouse or as a woman. If anything, those behaviors should actually serve as indicators to you that he is engaged in a power struggle where he feels the need to be “in charge” and is therefore trying to control you by diminishing your value as a spouse and as a person. It is almost an upside-down compliment: the aspects he attacks the most must be your best aspects!

There may be times when he will stoop to batter you with things you have shared with him in the past – insecurities, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings. Though these intimate details may be true of you or your personality, every human being has faults, and is unfair to accuse you of them in fights. Be mindful that in emotional abuse situations they are simply used as poisoned darts; items he throws mindlessly because they are within his reach and he knows they have the power to cause you damage.

Step Two: “Emotional Abuse is Control”
It is very important that you never see the assaults for anything other than what they really are: a desperate attempt to hide his own vulnerabilities by gaining power over someone else.
Battering, whether it is emotional abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse, exists to create or maintain an unequal distribution of power in the relationship. It is, overall, a matter of control. However, this is not a new concept – surely you have already heard from associates or your own research that abuse is about power.
The important notion to learn after gaining this realization is that when an abuser feels that he is losing his grip (if it appears to him that you are usurping or taking on some of his power), the violence (emotional or physical) will escalate. In other words, the gravity of the emotional assault is directly proportional to the attacker’s sense of vulnerability.
Thus, the act of emotional abuse is not purely about control, although that is how it seems to manifest. In reality, the need for control is a way of expressing a deep-set and debilitating sense of vulnerability. Although you may feel like the most vulnerable one during an abuse attack, the reality is, your abuse is the one feeling the most vulnerable, and handling it in an outrageously inappropriate way.

Step Three: “There’s a ‘Me’ In the Assault”

This one sounds weird, but stick with us! Your healing process involves finding the “you” in the abusive assault. Finding the “you” means that wherever the assaults occur, whatever he uses against you, you refuse to be defined by the abuse. You draw on your own strength to determine your validity and self-worth. That means that when he draws to squish you down and say you’re an itty-bit blip that no one cares about, you stand up straight and remember that YOU are still here and that YOU (everything you are, love, think, feel, and can do) is still here and deserve every bit of respect that he’s trying to take away.

This is what gives you the ability to not only survive emotional abuse, but to thrive in the very face of it. Since this one is a little harder to practice, we included some exercises:

You can’t break free from an emotionally abusive relationship if you are barely remembering who you are every day. This may sound easy, as if you just needed to give yourself a pep talk in the mirror every once in awhile. However, pep talks won’t leave a lasting impression if you are not deeply connected to yourself. Imagine that you are a tree – if your roots are not deep enough into the earth, a fierce wind will easily rip you right out. So, do both!

Every day, you need to give yourself a pep talk about your rights (remember the motto up there?). Remember also to say positive words to yourself: “I like my way of doing this task,” “I’m good at connecting with people,” etc. You also need to take time for to say hi to YOU (either through meditation, yoga, exercise, or other mind-body strengthening activities).

Do you want to receive more steps and exercises for learning how to heal from emotional abuse? You can visit us at How to Heal From Emotional Abuse to get your copy of “Healing From Emotional Abuse,” an in-depth guide to getting your life back and saying goodbye to emotional abuse for good.

- See more at: http://healingemotionalabuse.com/blog/265/learn-how-to-heal-from-emotional-abuse/#sthash.XiAIQv3F.dpuf