Guilty Pleasure

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You've heard the phrase Guilty Pleasure; perhaps you have used this phrase yourself. This afternoon I've been thinking about a conversation with a friend yesterday that has really stuck with me. A conversation about guilty pleasures.

Growing up in my family, in my efforts to please my parents, I often pretended to dislike things that I actually liked and to like things that didn't appeal to me. Why would I do this? Just for a bit of parental approval, I guess. I was very swayed by the opinion of others. But, as it happens, I must have convinced myself of these long-standing falsehoods too because into adulthood I've spent years rediscovering myself, rediscovering things that do indeed bring me pleasure. I acknowledge that, in fact, I find it difficult to label a thing as pleasurable.

I do know where the guilty part of guilty pleasures comes. Many strange messages spin around in my head and make it difficult to always understand where I stand on things. If not for my oddly dysfunctional family of origin and from the church, I might not struggle with such prisons of the mind. Even to this day I still have moments where I am able to free my mind of still-entrenched and hidden shackles. Shackles of the mind.

While my dear friend and I were talking yesterday, one of the revelations that came to me in a moment of our conversation was a thing that has been stewing in my mind for decades:  the idea of escapism. When reading a great book, performing intricate hobbies, watching enchanting film, we often say that we are participating in such activities for reasons of escape. Escape from the drudgery of life, I assume, escape from boredom. Maybe escape to things too: to felicity, to enjoyment, to bliss. I hadn't thought of that before.

In my home way back, such an idea as escaping from reality was harshly judged. I would never have admitted to such a sentiment as escapism. But while my friend and I were talking we began considering this idea and how absurd it is to avoid the pleasures of escapism and of guilty pleasures.

Why oh why should pleasure be guilty?

And so I have decided to eschew guilty pleasure. From this moment forward there are only pleasures. Open, honest, delightful. 

I reclaim the idea of doing things simply for the purpose of self care, self interest, self, luxury. 

Disempowerment / EMPOWERMENT

No apologies.
No support.
No acknowledgement of misdoings.
No encouragement toward healthy choices.
No explanations.
No clearing of the air.
No closure.
No validation of your effort.
No love for the real you.
No care for the vulnerable you.
No acceptance.
No end to the drama.

Maybe it is your partner. Maybe it is your parent, your child, your church or pastor, your boss, your best friend, your belief system, your community, or any other toxic entity. You are a kind, vulnerable, loving person who has been targeted by someone or by something and you are now disempowered.

Disempowered

Disempowered does not mean that you have no power. 
It means that your personal power has been systematically removed from you. 

How?
Probably in ways that seem ironic.
By complimenting you.
By saying how necessary you are.
By saying how capable you are.
By saying how strong you are.
By calling you beautiful.
By saying that you are their everything.
By saying that no one compares to you.
By saying that they need you.
By saying that their world revolves around you.
By saying that you brought them back to life.
By saying how kind you are.
By being attracted to your innocence.
By finding your sensitivity attractive.


Regaining the Power

Locating your own personal power may seem like a very lofty goal right now; it may even feel like an impossible goal because you have felt so wounded and fragile, culpable and to blame, inadequate, undeserving, or unlovable for so long. Remember, there was a YOU before this toxicity took you away from yourself and that YOU is still there, waiting for rediscovery.

First, even before you believe it, even before you move forward, even before you believe you deserve it, even before you begin to believe in yourself, and even before your mind and body feels strong enough, know this: that toxic party does not own you. 
YOU own you. 

• There is one person inside of your head and it is YOU.
• There is one person who has power over your body and it is YOU.
• There is one person to whom you owe life and that is YOU.
• There is a person you can count on and that is YOU.
• There is a person who can make every effort on your behalf and that is YOU.
• There is a person who will always be there for you and that is YOU.
• There is a person who will never, ever leave you and that is YOU.
• There is a person with the power to completely forgive you and to thoroughly heal your pain and that is YOU.
• There is a person with the ability to comfort you and bring you home and that is YOU.
• There is a person who is your own personal cheerleader and that is YOU.
• There is a person who knows all you have done and all you have not done and still loves you and that person is YOU.
• There is a person who helps you make better and better decisions each day and that is YOU.
• There is a person with the ability to weigh choices and opportunities and to figure out what to do with your life and that is YOU.
• There is a person with the ability to reach out for help and to grow in new and unthinkable ways that that person is YOU.
• There is a person with a wealth of personhood that they will blog their own damn mind and that person is YOU.
• There is a person who makes mistakes but who will always have your back and that is YOU.
  .
• There is a person who struggles, fails, feels like hiding, fights to feel worthy, is unsure of their own worth, doubts, fears, cries, gets back up, tries again, tries harder, and who deserves your love and attention, no exceptions, and that person is YOU.

Children of Narcissist Parents, Toxic Parents

If you are an adult in a toxic relationship with someone who has power over you in some way, it sometimes takes great strength and patience and courage to break away. It can take a long time. 

If you are a child or a teen and it is your parent that is toxic, there is no leaving, not really. A part of their toxic message, toxic parenting, toxic messages about who you are get into your head and lurk there always. In a normal and healthy relationship between parent and child we celebrate how it is that the words of a parent become a child's self talk, voice in their head. But when a child is reared by one or more parents who are toxic in their own various ways, still, the words of the parents continue to play inside of the heads of the children long into adulthood.

We get so much of our identity from our parents, like it or not. We get other things too. We learn how to communicate anger, sadness, frustration, celebration, jealousy, loneliness... We learn how to care for ourselves in times of need, how to self soothe, how to express confusion, how to identify nuances of emotion, how to manage boredom, how to be ill, how to manage our expenses, how to care for another human being, how to manage conflict, how to prioritize, how to manage money, how to move into the world, how to separate, how to attract a partner, how to be in love. 

We learn how it feels to be connected to another person, how to figure out or create our own place in the world, what love looks like, how to explore boundaries between two people, how to express ourselves clearly and fully, how to explore new ideas, how to operate in a sexual relationship, how to be parents, how to experience love, how to manage personal power, how to behave in social situations. 

And we learn how to manage illness and good health, how to become more independent, how to develop skills for coping with difficulty, how to get emotional needs met, how to explore identity, how to sense reality and non-reality, how to explore uniquely personal qualities, how to choose action rather than simply react, how to identify distorted thinking, and so much more. 

If your parents are narcissists or other toxic temperaments, as a child you are essentially captive. You have no choice. And, often, you have no idea how toxic your situation is in comparison to others. You are at the mercy of your parents. 

As a child, when you begin to gain independence, as you begin to question things, your parent started bickering, rejecting, seeking more control, more abusive, etc. As you mature and explore new reactions to the toxic crap like gaslighting or guilt or brainwashing efforts, as you become less and less manipulatable (is that a word? I mean less willing to be manipulated), as you no longer let things slip by unquestioned, as you remove your parent from a pedestal, as you stop feeding the toxic parent's need for adulation or unquestioning adoration you can become more and more the object of anger by the parent.

In my own case, as my eyes opened more and more, every single step I attempted to take into independence was thwarted, criticized, and generally not supported by my toxic parent. He began acting victimized, betrayed, supremely wounded by my independent thought and by my denial of falsehoods. He moved from abuser to victim. Interestingly enough, my other parent did the same thing years later.

Healing

This crap, these unhealthy and abusive messages, sticks with you long into adulthood. But there is  healing. There is reparenting. There is learning how to be your own internal parent and internal voice of health. It can happen. You can make it happen. You can be there for yourself. You can move towards a person who is no longer controlled or strongly affected by the internal web of voices.

Any journey toward a healthier you is a journey that takes time and that requires you to face and accomplish certain psychological tasks. Let's look at some possible tasks that may confront a person who is seeking to shrug off the puppet lines and abuse and seeks to move toward personal empowerment and healthy happiness.

• First, acknowledge that this toxic parent dynamic is limiting you, is controlling you, or is making you feel sick inside. It's old news, but admitting that you have a problem actually empowers you and helps you to figure out where you want to be.
• Secondly, this acknowledgment of problematic thought patterns helps you to identify those places where your thought patterns are actually bits of brainwashing or programming or gaslighting that are limiting your emotional growth.
• Third, recognize that there is much to learn. The longer you are on the pathway to better emotional health the more often you will recognize places where you need help or guidance or education. 
• Fourth, you will have to grieve the life long loss of healthy, loving parents. Honestly, let's acknowledge that this grief will remain with us for much of our lives.
• Fifth, you will learn the glorious world of emotions that are available to you. You will learn how to experience the fullness of your humanness in a safe environment.
• And sixth, you will locate and accept help on the healing journey. Clear, fresh eyes to help you to find your way. Connection with other people who are on a journey towards emotional health. People who care and support your efforts.

Remember this one thing, this journey of self-discovery is yours alone; one you must take without the approval or the company of your toxic parent. Each day you are on this journey you will grow a little bit more. Day by day, one day at a time.

Authenticity: Towards a Genuinely Healthy Life

Are you going to bed each night with the belief that you are not loved enough knowing that you are not appreciated, or fearful that no one truly accepts you for who you are? 

Is your energy spent attempting to get people to notice and to approve? Do you feel empty and nothing inside unless someone else confirms your value or personal worth? Is it essential to get affection and affirmation from outside of your own head? Do you feel valueless unless someone else validates you?

Are you convinced that you need to do something else to get the love you so desperately desire? To BE someone else? Do you feel invisible in your world? Did anyone look you in the eye today?

Today is the day you are going to change that because there is one person who can and who will be completely on your side from here on out. You may doubt this person at times. You may feel certain that they do not understand. They might go through times when they want to back off from you or when you have a very difficult time believing them. But they will stick with you and will truly never, ever be against you. 

It is YOU. You are capable of being your own best friend, of being the new voice in your head. You are able to look yourself in the eye and say You mean everything to me and I am happy with who you are.

Although you will have days when it is far more difficult to be on your own side... that is fair, but it will get easier to love yourself when you do this single essential thing: become your authentic self.

Being authentically yourself means letting go of who you think that you are supposed to be, who others think you should be, who you think you need to be in order to be OK. Being authentically yourself means that you frequently, perhaps daily, remind yourself of those things that you do not choose for yourself. No matter how strong or loud that other, external voice is, your own voice is your strongest ally. Listen to yourself and give your own voice volume. And being authentically you also means to embrace and love the real you.

For some reason, it is easy to hear the voices of those who call for us to be someone other than who we are. Those reasons of ease might because other voices have practiced longer, they speak louder, or they feel more worthy. Yet STILL, your honest, quiet voice speaking its own truth is still more true. And it will strengthen. Believe it.


You are TRULY good enough, no exceptions.

You are Not My Cup of Tea

Sarcastic Tendencies

Happy, secure people have no need to put others down.

I know of some people who seem to feel empowered when they say things to break someone else down. Most of us know people like this. Recently I heard one person lay down a dis to a really nice friend of mine, a very sweet person whose feelings were hurt. The disser could easily have claim just kidding. In fact, people do it every day and get away with it.

Sarcasm is hidden bullying.

In fact, the Greek root for sarcasm, sarkazein, is to tear flesh like dogs? Did you know that?

We all back down from our confrontation of a bully when they claim kidding because we don't want to look petty, overly sensitive, or victimy. But we all know that people who claim kidding are really getting their licks in any way that they can because no one is calling them on it. We also all know someone who is the target of this kidding and who feels powerless to stop it. That is why I make it a point, any time someone is pulling this old trick, to say No More Kidding, then. Because it is not funny and because we all know that old trick. I think it's time to put an end to it for so many reasons.

Often, people who use sarcasm as a passive-aggressive way to make fun act disdainful of kindness, politeness, awareness of the feelings of others. They see kindness and such as weakness. At this point, they don't understand that it takes a strong person to show kindness in the face of unpleasantness, rudeness, or treachery.

Sarcasm and put downs are insidious for another reason: they are underhanded and secretive. Behind mocking and smug superiority is a hurtful criticism hiding behind a veil of jocularity. The joker can even say to someone with hurt feelings,I'm just kidding!  You are too sensitive!

People who rely on sarcasm are displaying their inability to verbalize their feelings, their disrespect for others, their poor impulse control, their inchoate self knowledge, and their undeveloped sense of compassion. They are even, sometimes, identifying with a person who has victimized them in the past. And they don't even know it. They are busy closing their eyes to the harmful effects that their words have on others and they are busy thinking, Why don't you just lighten up?

The person who bullies in this way has no need to see themselves as an oppressor because they keep themselves veiled in the cloak of joking, even to themselves. The acerbic-tongued person is quite convinced that they are superior, entertaining, and well-liked. But a person who relies on sarcasm, scorn, ridicule, or mockery is actually struggling with low self esteem and poor knowledge of their true self.  They just don't realize it.  

On social media I often see memes glorifying sarcasm as a superior way of dealing with "stupid people". But I disagree. Sarcasm is nothing more than bullying and a lack of grace, kindness, and courtesy. Maybe I am alone in this, but I don't find sarcasm and derision entertaining.

As a recovering sarcasm junkie myself, I know that when a person uses sarcasm as a major approach to interact with the world around them, they keep true friendship at bay. They see others as inferior, stupid, irrelevant while being unaware of their own fragility, vulnerability, fear of failure. Personally, it took a few episodes of injury to people that I care about before I saw exactly how the sarcasm reflected my wounded internal self. I was convinced that I was joking, clever, funny, and entertaining when, the whole time, I was floundering and fearful of having others discover my ineptitude.

But I couldn't have said that at the time.

Knowing this has made me far more compassionate to people with caustic personalities or disparaging tones when interacting with others. I recognize that they are hiding so much from themselves. In fact, most do not recognize it in themselves...

Breaking away from sarcasm was a very deliberate and long road, but with a determination to be authentic and compassionate and open and growing, I made it. And so can you. Become aware of it. Choose to make a difference. Decide to become a happier person.

And if it is your child who is sarcastic or bullying, you won't find much on the internet to help you, but this is a good place to start. If you are a parent looking for what to do when the bully is your child, come back again because I do plan on writing more about this in the future.

SO, if you are putting others down, think about working on yourself first.

You are worth it.

Love You

If you are reading and researching tonight, trying to figure out if you are in an injurious or harmful relationship, let's look at what qualities might as a harmful, injurious relationship. Let's look as a short list of questions to ask yourself. If you can answer yes to any one or more of these questions, I recommend you continue to read on. In all cases, the word partner refers to the relationship that you are exploring, regardless of that relationship, be it employer, sibling, teacher, friend, parent, etc.

• Do you feel criticized, undermined, or judged when you seek to meet a goal or to improve yourself?
  
• Do you doubt or question your partner's honesty or openness?
  
• Do you feel anxious or walking on eggshells when it is time to be with your partner?
  
• When your time with your partner ends and you are alone, do you feel utterly exhausted or downcast?
  
• Do you feel as though your partner loves and appreciates you and cares for your well-being?
  
• Does your partner tend to create competition or conflict about seeming small issues?
  
• Does your partner belittle your input, thoughts, efforts, and ideas?
  
• Does your relationship seem to be unbalanced and focused mainly on your partner?

If you can answer yes or maybe to even one of these questions, it is likely that you are embroiled in an unhealthy relationship. It's important to identify unhealthy relationships and alliances because they cause illness in many different ways. If you are unsure, know it now.
 

One person on earth is here to care for your needs: YOU.
With greater awareness of the toxicity in your life comes the greater awareness that you have a new job to do. You can take care of yourself. YOU.

The good news, you are so worth taking care of. You are loving and kind and worthy. 
You deserve warmth and care and support and understanding and heartful love and all good things. Take all of those efforts to please someone else and turn them inward.

In case you have forgotten how to take care of yourself, here are a few great starting places. 

• First, if you feel it, respect that feeling for it is real to you and it is yours. Every feeling you have deserves to be heard and felt and cared for.
• Hear your thoughts, for they are yours and deserving of attention. 
• When the thoughts are those of guilt, shame, or self-loathing, turn them around and give yourself the gift of thoughts of self-love, care, and kindness.  No matter what.
• Give yourself the gift of time because time is love. Journal, rest, talk with caring friends, find a therapist, walk in nature. With the exception of using addictive substances or behaviors, enjoy activities that nurture you.

Take this journey toward yourself.
You deserve it.