Therapy? Maybe.

We all have our own issues, you know. Some of us spend too much money in order to chase away the I'm not good enoughs. Some of us doubt our own abilities and lack self confidence. Some of us have unhappy voices in our heads reminding us of our past actions.

It's hard being a grown up; it's hard being a human being. We only know what we know and most of us inherit behaviors and thoughts from past generations.

I'm talking about this today because we, as a more enlightened generation of parents have it within our power to really change humanity. We who are the current bearers of confusion, pain, anxiety, and messed up thoughts have tools at our disposal that can help us dispose of some of this crap forever; we can make choices that will allow us to pass on healthier and happier messages to our children.


What AM I Talking About?

Some places where the human race has been muddled, shamed, impaired, and awkward include healthy sexuality, expression of feelings, learning to handle anxiety and depression, confronting pain and injury, believing in ourselves, confidently being on our own side, choosing healthy things and people in our lives, healthy conflict, healthy boundaries, intimacy, choosing relationships, etc. 

From sexuality to anxiety to anger issues, we now have access to internal and external modes of treatment and education to actively improve our ways of dealing with the frisson points between ourselves and the rest of the world. Nearly every adult has access to good interventions of our own issues and we need to gratefully and optimistically grab hold of those healthy interventions.

And why?
Partially so as to not pass those inherited or circumstantial issues on to our beloved offspring. Partially so that we can create our own life rather than live with the damaging crap that we inherited.

Are you game?

Soothing Yourself

...

Sometimes when a person has been in a sad or unhealthy place for a long time they forget ways to comfort themselves. It is possible to forget how to sooth the sharpness of the pain, the loneliness, the hollow or wounded heart, the tired spirit. One can have the importance good, solid self care slip from their mind.

If you are out of practice, let's look at a few simple easy things you can to today, right now to bring comfort and centering to yourself. 


Self care doesn't require special equipment or any cash outlay of any kind. Let's look at some very obvious easy ways to begin right now to bring quiet to your disquiet. I know that some of these ideas are not brilliantly unique, but they are truly helpful.

• Warm bubble baths for men or women truly bring calmness and centering to wounded hearts. The steam, the relaxing, the indulgence, the silky movement of warm water, maybe even the fetal-like dark soaking can bring comfort and relaxation in a simple way.
  .
• Call an old friend. You may have stopped calling old friends as other relationships took over, but I know that those old friends still love you and will delight in hearing from you. And laughter really is good medicine.
  .
• Listen to beautiful music. I don't love classical music and I remember people always suggesting classical music to me to help me to calm my nervousness. It never, ever worked. But I recently discovered a musician whose music is so calming and luxurious and perhaps you will enjoy it as well.
  Ernesto Cortazar is free and available on youtube.
  .
• Go for a walk. I know, seems lame. But nature, the beauty of bird song, the breeze through the trees, the enormity of a blue sky: these things bring perspective, rest, revitalization. Also, if you can get some endorphins moving through your bloodstream, well, you know.
  .
• Deliberate breathing. Yes, some people call it meditation. Mindfulness, centering, simply calming the mind, slowing down. When your mind is racing and your heart is hurting, taking a moment to get back to yourself can begin movement in the right direction. 

None of these things remove hurdles or get major work done or bring the answers but they can be used as a part of a healthier regime to bring better health back into your life. 

And you deserve that.

Making a Choice

Unless you are a child, there is usually an element of choice at some point...usually. This is super important to acknowledge, not for guilt and shame and blame reasons, but for personal empowerment reasons.


Not all toxic people mean to be cruel or toxic. They're not inherently bad. Some of them may mean well but their way of moving through the world is so painful to be around that we have to remove ourselves from their sphere of influence because their energy is negative, draining, toxic. They exhaust us.

We can love them from afar.
You have every right, indeed, the responsibility to yourself, to create a healthy place for yourself and that responsibility may require that you choose distance or even absence from these people.

And OH it can be oh so difficult to create that space in between. The need for space from some loved ones challenges everything we think we know and understand about being a kind and loving person. It also requires us to acknowledge that we are making a choice to live apart from people that we truly care for. We must do something that can feel quite foreign: take care of ourselves by making the difficult choices.

Let's do it.
Let's move forward with deliberate action to choose healthy things in our lives. Let's own our own choices.

Life is Too Short...

So often when we have severed contact with a family member well-meaning people around us tell us that Life is too short to hold a grudge, make up!

But I am here to tell you something completely different.

If you have made the difficult and life-altering decision to sever contact with unhealthy, toxic, or hateful family members/friends/anyone, then, under no circumstances think that that type of guilt-inducing sentiment refers to you. 

If you have found a way to cut toxicity out of your life, maintain that as well as you can...and don't give in to the guilt-trippers trying to tell you how wrong you are.

Choose good health and self care.

This needed saying again.

Sarcasm: Acerbic Venom

Sarcasm is a problem.

Admit it.
Don't admit it.
It's always your choice.

I don't know why people protect sarcasm so much. Some people will go out of their way to protect sarcasm, to try to claim that sarcasm is the height of wit. But it can also be extremely biting, it can also be a screen behind which anger and scorn hides.

This country seems to hide its own anger; few people even know how to identify anger, let alone how to name it, how to handle it. Most people deny their anger as though it was a crime or a defect of some kind. It seems a great deal of pain could be avoided if anger wasn't something hidden, avoided, even feared. 

We are told Be Nice, Be Civil. So, in an absence of skills for handling anger many people bottle it up as though their anger is a forbidden thought or a disreputable relative living in the basement.

The fact is that anger is a perfectly normal and, indeed, healthy human emotion, typically a response to a hurtful or unfair situation. Sarcasm surfaces in instances of passive-aggressive expression of disgust, criticism, etc. As Oscar Wilde expressed Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence. Don't confuse sarcasm with intelligence! And I would take it several steps further, sarcasm is nothing more than hidden and distorted anger, derision, or criticism.

People love to point to several recent stories that suggest that sarcasm is a sign of intelligence. But they are getting the study and its conclusions mixed up. Intelligent people can detect sarcasm, nothing about the superiority of the capacity to spew it.

We can acknowledge that there are many different forms of sarcasm, from friendly mockery to outright ridicule and censure. Truth becomes skewed, authenticity is completely absent, connection is dependent upon similar points of view, affinity is the casualty of sarcasm. Sarcasm can be hostility or insecurity disguised as humor. 

I was just kidding.

If you are on the receiving end of sarcasm you may have become a sarcasm junkie yourself. Either way I suggest these things:

• Avoid speaking with a sarcastic tone any time clarity is necessary in communication.
• Couch all efforts at sarcasm in warm, respectful friendship in order to make it clear where it fits in the relationship.
  If efforts of sarcasm fall flat, avoid it in the future.
• If there is the slightest bit of conflict in the room,
  avoid all sarcasm.
• Avoid using sarcasm any time a relationship is functioning with ongoing tension, unresolved pain, uncertainty of any kind.
• Remember, if there is any conflict going on in the room,
  sharp-tongued wit comes off looking more sharp-tongued
  than witty.
• Appreciate that some people are not ready or able to accept sarcasm in conversations at certain times.
  Respect their right to prefer respect and kindness.
• Using less sarcasm actively requires more processing of thoughts and feelings and can result in a much happier person.
• Speak up and tell the sarcastic person in your life that you no longer want to be bullied by their sarcastic language and that you prefer sarcasm-free conversations.
  Create your own Sarcasm-Free-Zone.

Less Sarcasm

Whether you are the sarcasm junkie or the person on the receiving end, acknowledge that sarcasm is harsh speech. Far better off eliminating it from your conversations indefinitely, improve self confidence and all of your relationships.

When People Say That Life is too Short: Forgive and Forget

no way

People love to give advice.
I'm sure they mean well...but let's face it, they don't know our situation, they don't get our situation, and they don't get to guilt or shame us about our decisions in this situation. 

Over the years I have had to put an end to relationships that most people couldn't even consider living without. The process I went through to find the courage and strength to end those relationships was very long and extremely arduous. Even to this day I struggle with missing those exiled people when I'm feeling down.

Most days it is extremely easy to remember why I made the decisions to end those relationships. Most of the time I am perfectly fine and there is not a single doubt in my mind that putting a period at the end of that sentence was absolutely a win.

But I have had something happen a few times that, perhaps, you have had to face too.

It is genuinely not about forgetting and forgiving. I have forgiven many things time and time again. I have forgiven the people for all of the pain they have given me and I have let go of any and all resentment. Truly.

And let's not kid ourselves, there is really no forgetting.

But this one annoying thing keeps happening.

I have these people who go on and on and on to me about how I should forgive my parents and let them back into my life. There is no convincing these folks that that choice is not going to happen. The option is not on the table. They just don't get it. 

I have ended those relationships deliberately, with a clear mind, with strength that I didn't know I could possess, for my own peace of mind and for the good health of my children. This choice is not up for debate.

I don't expect anyone else to understand.