When People Say That Life is too Short: Forgive and Forget

no way

People love to give advice.
I'm sure they mean well...but let's face it, they don't know our situation, they don't get our situation, and they don't get to guilt or shame us about our decisions in this situation. 

Over the years I have had to put an end to relationships that most people couldn't even consider living without. The process I went through to find the courage and strength to end those relationships was very long and extremely arduous. Even to this day I struggle with missing those exiled people when I'm feeling down.

Most days it is extremely easy to remember why I made the decisions to end those relationships. Most of the time I am perfectly fine and there is not a single doubt in my mind that putting a period at the end of that sentence was absolutely a win.

But I have had something happen a few times that, perhaps, you have had to face too.

It is genuinely not about forgetting and forgiving. I have forgiven many things time and time again. I have forgiven the people for all of the pain they have given me and I have let go of any and all resentment. Truly.

And let's not kid ourselves, there is really no forgetting.

But this one annoying thing keeps happening.

I have these people who go on and on and on to me about how I should forgive my parents and let them back into my life. There is no convincing these folks that that choice is not going to happen. The option is not on the table. They just don't get it. 

I have ended those relationships deliberately, with a clear mind, with strength that I didn't know I could possess, for my own peace of mind and for the good health of my children. This choice is not up for debate.

I don't expect anyone else to understand.

Make a Monument of Your Life

Guilty Pleasure

...

You've heard the phrase Guilty Pleasure; perhaps you have used this phrase yourself. This afternoon I've been thinking about a conversation with a friend yesterday that has really stuck with me. A conversation about guilty pleasures.

Growing up in my family, in my efforts to please my parents, I often pretended to dislike things that I actually liked and to like things that didn't appeal to me. Why would I do this? Just for a bit of parental approval, I guess. I was very swayed by the opinion of others. But, as it happens, I must have convinced myself of these long-standing falsehoods too because into adulthood I've spent years rediscovering myself, rediscovering things that do indeed bring me pleasure. I acknowledge that, in fact, I find it difficult to label a thing as pleasurable.

I do know where the guilty part of guilty pleasures comes. Many strange messages spin around in my head and make it difficult to always understand where I stand on things. If not for my oddly dysfunctional family of origin and from the church, I might not struggle with such prisons of the mind. Even to this day I still have moments where I am able to free my mind of still-entrenched and hidden shackles. Shackles of the mind.

While my dear friend and I were talking yesterday, one of the revelations that came to me in a moment of our conversation was a thing that has been stewing in my mind for decades:  the idea of escapism. When reading a great book, performing intricate hobbies, watching enchanting film, we often say that we are participating in such activities for reasons of escape. Escape from the drudgery of life, I assume, escape from boredom. Maybe escape to things too: to felicity, to enjoyment, to bliss. I hadn't thought of that before.

In my home way back, such an idea as escaping from reality was harshly judged. I would never have admitted to such a sentiment as escapism. But while my friend and I were talking we began considering this idea and how absurd it is to avoid the pleasures of escapism and of guilty pleasures.

Why oh why should pleasure be guilty?

And so I have decided to eschew guilty pleasure. From this moment forward there are only pleasures. Open, honest, delightful. 

I reclaim the idea of doing things simply for the purpose of self care, self interest, self, luxury. 

Disempowerment / EMPOWERMENT

No apologies.
No support.
No acknowledgement of misdoings.
No encouragement toward healthy choices.
No explanations.
No clearing of the air.
No closure.
No validation of your effort.
No love for the real you.
No care for the vulnerable you.
No acceptance.
No end to the drama.

Maybe it is your partner. Maybe it is your parent, your child, your church or pastor, your boss, your best friend, your belief system, your community, or any other toxic entity. You are a kind, vulnerable, loving person who has been targeted by someone or by something and you are now disempowered.

Disempowered

Disempowered does not mean that you have no power. 
It means that your personal power has been systematically removed from you. 

How?
Probably in ways that seem ironic.
By complimenting you.
By saying how necessary you are.
By saying how capable you are.
By saying how strong you are.
By calling you beautiful.
By saying that you are their everything.
By saying that no one compares to you.
By saying that they need you.
By saying that their world revolves around you.
By saying that you brought them back to life.
By saying how kind you are.
By being attracted to your innocence.
By finding your sensitivity attractive.


Regaining the Power

Locating your own personal power may seem like a very lofty goal right now; it may even feel like an impossible goal because you have felt so wounded and fragile, culpable and to blame, inadequate, undeserving, or unlovable for so long. Remember, there was a YOU before this toxicity took you away from yourself and that YOU is still there, waiting for rediscovery.

First, even before you believe it, even before you move forward, even before you believe you deserve it, even before you begin to believe in yourself, and even before your mind and body feels strong enough, know this: that toxic party does not own you. 
YOU own you. 

• There is one person inside of your head and it is YOU.
• There is one person who has power over your body and it is YOU.
• There is one person to whom you owe life and that is YOU.
• There is a person you can count on and that is YOU.
• There is a person who can make every effort on your behalf and that is YOU.
• There is a person who will always be there for you and that is YOU.
• There is a person who will never, ever leave you and that is YOU.
• There is a person with the power to completely forgive you and to thoroughly heal your pain and that is YOU.
• There is a person with the ability to comfort you and bring you home and that is YOU.
• There is a person who is your own personal cheerleader and that is YOU.
• There is a person who knows all you have done and all you have not done and still loves you and that person is YOU.
• There is a person who helps you make better and better decisions each day and that is YOU.
• There is a person with the ability to weigh choices and opportunities and to figure out what to do with your life and that is YOU.
• There is a person with the ability to reach out for help and to grow in new and unthinkable ways that that person is YOU.
• There is a person with a wealth of personhood that they will blog their own damn mind and that person is YOU.
• There is a person who makes mistakes but who will always have your back and that is YOU.
  .
• There is a person who struggles, fails, feels like hiding, fights to feel worthy, is unsure of their own worth, doubts, fears, cries, gets back up, tries again, tries harder, and who deserves your love and attention, no exceptions, and that person is YOU.

Children of Narcissist Parents, Toxic Parents

If you are an adult in a toxic relationship with someone who has power over you in some way, it sometimes takes great strength and patience and courage to break away. It can take a long time. 

If you are a child or a teen and it is your parent that is toxic, there is no leaving, not really. A part of their toxic message, toxic parenting, toxic messages about who you are get into your head and lurk there always. In a normal and healthy relationship between parent and child we celebrate how it is that the words of a parent become a child's self talk, voice in their head. But when a child is reared by one or more parents who are toxic in their own various ways, still, the words of the parents continue to play inside of the heads of the children long into adulthood.

We get so much of our identity from our parents, like it or not. We get other things too. We learn how to communicate anger, sadness, frustration, celebration, jealousy, loneliness... We learn how to care for ourselves in times of need, how to self soothe, how to express confusion, how to identify nuances of emotion, how to manage boredom, how to be ill, how to manage our expenses, how to care for another human being, how to manage conflict, how to prioritize, how to manage money, how to move into the world, how to separate, how to attract a partner, how to be in love. 

We learn how it feels to be connected to another person, how to figure out or create our own place in the world, what love looks like, how to explore boundaries between two people, how to express ourselves clearly and fully, how to explore new ideas, how to operate in a sexual relationship, how to be parents, how to experience love, how to manage personal power, how to behave in social situations. 

And we learn how to manage illness and good health, how to become more independent, how to develop skills for coping with difficulty, how to get emotional needs met, how to explore identity, how to sense reality and non-reality, how to explore uniquely personal qualities, how to choose action rather than simply react, how to identify distorted thinking, and so much more. 

If your parents are narcissists or other toxic temperaments, as a child you are essentially captive. You have no choice. And, often, you have no idea how toxic your situation is in comparison to others. You are at the mercy of your parents. 

As a child, when you begin to gain independence, as you begin to question things, your parent started bickering, rejecting, seeking more control, more abusive, etc. As you mature and explore new reactions to the toxic crap like gaslighting or guilt or brainwashing efforts, as you become less and less manipulatable (is that a word? I mean less willing to be manipulated), as you no longer let things slip by unquestioned, as you remove your parent from a pedestal, as you stop feeding the toxic parent's need for adulation or unquestioning adoration you can become more and more the object of anger by the parent.

In my own case, as my eyes opened more and more, every single step I attempted to take into independence was thwarted, criticized, and generally not supported by my toxic parent. He began acting victimized, betrayed, supremely wounded by my independent thought and by my denial of falsehoods. He moved from abuser to victim. Interestingly enough, my other parent did the same thing years later.

Healing

This crap, these unhealthy and abusive messages, sticks with you long into adulthood. But there is  healing. There is reparenting. There is learning how to be your own internal parent and internal voice of health. It can happen. You can make it happen. You can be there for yourself. You can move towards a person who is no longer controlled or strongly affected by the internal web of voices.

Any journey toward a healthier you is a journey that takes time and that requires you to face and accomplish certain psychological tasks. Let's look at some possible tasks that may confront a person who is seeking to shrug off the puppet lines and abuse and seeks to move toward personal empowerment and healthy happiness.

• First, acknowledge that this toxic parent dynamic is limiting you, is controlling you, or is making you feel sick inside. It's old news, but admitting that you have a problem actually empowers you and helps you to figure out where you want to be.
• Secondly, this acknowledgment of problematic thought patterns helps you to identify those places where your thought patterns are actually bits of brainwashing or programming or gaslighting that are limiting your emotional growth.
• Third, recognize that there is much to learn. The longer you are on the pathway to better emotional health the more often you will recognize places where you need help or guidance or education. 
• Fourth, you will have to grieve the life long loss of healthy, loving parents. Honestly, let's acknowledge that this grief will remain with us for much of our lives.
• Fifth, you will learn the glorious world of emotions that are available to you. You will learn how to experience the fullness of your humanness in a safe environment.
• And sixth, you will locate and accept help on the healing journey. Clear, fresh eyes to help you to find your way. Connection with other people who are on a journey towards emotional health. People who care and support your efforts.

Remember this one thing, this journey of self-discovery is yours alone; one you must take without the approval or the company of your toxic parent. Each day you are on this journey you will grow a little bit more. Day by day, one day at a time.

Authenticity: Towards a Genuinely Healthy Life

Are you going to bed each night with the belief that you are not loved enough knowing that you are not appreciated, or fearful that no one truly accepts you for who you are? 

Is your energy spent attempting to get people to notice and to approve? Do you feel empty and nothing inside unless someone else confirms your value or personal worth? Is it essential to get affection and affirmation from outside of your own head? Do you feel valueless unless someone else validates you?

Are you convinced that you need to do something else to get the love you so desperately desire? To BE someone else? Do you feel invisible in your world? Did anyone look you in the eye today?

Today is the day you are going to change that because there is one person who can and who will be completely on your side from here on out. You may doubt this person at times. You may feel certain that they do not understand. They might go through times when they want to back off from you or when you have a very difficult time believing them. But they will stick with you and will truly never, ever be against you. 

It is YOU. You are capable of being your own best friend, of being the new voice in your head. You are able to look yourself in the eye and say You mean everything to me and I am happy with who you are.

Although you will have days when it is far more difficult to be on your own side... that is fair, but it will get easier to love yourself when you do this single essential thing: become your authentic self.

Being authentically yourself means letting go of who you think that you are supposed to be, who others think you should be, who you think you need to be in order to be OK. Being authentically yourself means that you frequently, perhaps daily, remind yourself of those things that you do not choose for yourself. No matter how strong or loud that other, external voice is, your own voice is your strongest ally. Listen to yourself and give your own voice volume. And being authentically you also means to embrace and love the real you.

For some reason, it is easy to hear the voices of those who call for us to be someone other than who we are. Those reasons of ease might because other voices have practiced longer, they speak louder, or they feel more worthy. Yet STILL, your honest, quiet voice speaking its own truth is still more true. And it will strengthen. Believe it.


You are TRULY good enough, no exceptions.

You are Not My Cup of Tea