Children of Narcissist Parents, Toxic Parents

If you are an adult in a toxic relationship with someone who has power over you in some way, it sometimes takes great strength and patience and courage to break away. It can take a long time. 

If you are a child or a teen and it is your parent that is toxic, there is no leaving, not really. A part of their toxic message, toxic parenting, toxic messages about who you are get into your head and lurk there always. In a normal and healthy relationship between parent and child we celebrate how it is that the words of a parent become a child's self talk, voice in their head. But when a child is reared by one or more parents who are toxic in their own various ways, still, the words of the parents continue to play inside of the heads of the children long into adulthood.

We get so much of our identity from our parents, like it or not. We get other things too. We learn how to communicate anger, sadness, frustration, celebration, jealousy, loneliness... We learn how to care for ourselves in times of need, how to self soothe, how to express confusion, how to identify nuances of emotion, how to manage boredom, how to be ill, how to manage our expenses, how to care for another human being, how to manage conflict, how to prioritize, how to manage money, how to move into the world, how to separate, how to attract a partner, how to be in love. 

We learn how it feels to be connected to another person, how to figure out or create our own place in the world, what love looks like, how to explore boundaries between two people, how to express ourselves clearly and fully, how to explore new ideas, how to operate in a sexual relationship, how to be parents, how to experience love, how to manage personal power, how to behave in social situations. 

And we learn how to manage illness and good health, how to become more independent, how to develop skills for coping with difficulty, how to get emotional needs met, how to explore identity, how to sense reality and non-reality, how to explore uniquely personal qualities, how to choose action rather than simply react, how to identify distorted thinking, and so much more. 

If your parents are narcissists or other toxic temperaments, as a child you are essentially captive. You have no choice. And, often, you have no idea how toxic your situation is in comparison to others. You are at the mercy of your parents. 

As a child, when you begin to gain independence, as you begin to question things, your parent started bickering, rejecting, seeking more control, more abusive, etc. As you mature and explore new reactions to the toxic crap like gaslighting or guilt or brainwashing efforts, as you become less and less manipulatable (is that a word? I mean less willing to be manipulated), as you no longer let things slip by unquestioned, as you remove your parent from a pedestal, as you stop feeding the toxic parent's need for adulation or unquestioning adoration you can become more and more the object of anger by the parent.

In my own case, as my eyes opened more and more, every single step I attempted to take into independence was thwarted, criticized, and generally not supported by my toxic parent. He began acting victimized, betrayed, supremely wounded by my independent thought and by my denial of falsehoods. He moved from abuser to victim. Interestingly enough, my other parent did the same thing years later.

Healing

This crap, these unhealthy and abusive messages, sticks with you long into adulthood. But there is  healing. There is reparenting. There is learning how to be your own internal parent and internal voice of health. It can happen. You can make it happen. You can be there for yourself. You can move towards a person who is no longer controlled or strongly affected by the internal web of voices.

Any journey toward a healthier you is a journey that takes time and that requires you to face and accomplish certain psychological tasks. Let's look at some possible tasks that may confront a person who is seeking to shrug off the puppet lines and abuse and seeks to move toward personal empowerment and healthy happiness.

• First, acknowledge that this toxic parent dynamic is limiting you, is controlling you, or is making you feel sick inside. It's old news, but admitting that you have a problem actually empowers you and helps you to figure out where you want to be.
• Secondly, this acknowledgment of problematic thought patterns helps you to identify those places where your thought patterns are actually bits of brainwashing or programming or gaslighting that are limiting your emotional growth.
• Third, recognize that there is much to learn. The longer you are on the pathway to better emotional health the more often you will recognize places where you need help or guidance or education. 
• Fourth, you will have to grieve the life long loss of healthy, loving parents. Honestly, let's acknowledge that this grief will remain with us for much of our lives.
• Fifth, you will learn the glorious world of emotions that are available to you. You will learn how to experience the fullness of your humanness in a safe environment.
• And sixth, you will locate and accept help on the healing journey. Clear, fresh eyes to help you to find your way. Connection with other people who are on a journey towards emotional health. People who care and support your efforts.

Remember this one thing, this journey of self-discovery is yours alone; one you must take without the approval or the company of your toxic parent. Each day you are on this journey you will grow a little bit more. Day by day, one day at a time.

Authenticity: Towards a Genuinely Healthy Life

Are you going to bed each night with the belief that you are not loved enough knowing that you are not appreciated, or fearful that no one truly accepts you for who you are? 

Is your energy spent attempting to get people to notice and to approve? Do you feel empty and nothing inside unless someone else confirms your value or personal worth? Is it essential to get affection and affirmation from outside of your own head? Do you feel valueless unless someone else validates you?

Are you convinced that you need to do something else to get the love you so desperately desire? To BE someone else? Do you feel invisible in your world? Did anyone look you in the eye today?

Today is the day you are going to change that because there is one person who can and who will be completely on your side from here on out. You may doubt this person at times. You may feel certain that they do not understand. They might go through times when they want to back off from you or when you have a very difficult time believing them. But they will stick with you and will truly never, ever be against you. 

It is YOU. You are capable of being your own best friend, of being the new voice in your head. You are able to look yourself in the eye and say You mean everything to me and I am happy with who you are.

Although you will have days when it is far more difficult to be on your own side... that is fair, but it will get easier to love yourself when you do this single essential thing: become your authentic self.

Being authentically yourself means letting go of who you think that you are supposed to be, who others think you should be, who you think you need to be in order to be OK. Being authentically yourself means that you frequently, perhaps daily, remind yourself of those things that you do not choose for yourself. No matter how strong or loud that other, external voice is, your own voice is your strongest ally. Listen to yourself and give your own voice volume. And being authentically you also means to embrace and love the real you.

For some reason, it is easy to hear the voices of those who call for us to be someone other than who we are. Those reasons of ease might because other voices have practiced longer, they speak louder, or they feel more worthy. Yet STILL, your honest, quiet voice speaking its own truth is still more true. And it will strengthen. Believe it.


You are TRULY good enough, no exceptions.

You are Not My Cup of Tea

Sarcastic Tendencies

Happy, secure people have no need to put others down.

I know of some people who seem to feel empowered when they say things to break someone else down. Most of us know people like this. Recently I heard one person lay down a dis to a really nice friend of mine, a very sweet person whose feelings were hurt. The disser could easily have claim just kidding. In fact, people do it every day and get away with it.

Sarcasm is hidden bullying.

In fact, the Greek root for sarcasm, sarkazein, is to tear flesh like dogs? Did you know that?

We all back down from our confrontation of a bully when they claim kidding because we don't want to look petty, overly sensitive, or victimy. But we all know that people who claim kidding are really getting their licks in any way that they can because no one is calling them on it. We also all know someone who is the target of this kidding and who feels powerless to stop it. That is why I make it a point, any time someone is pulling this old trick, to say No More Kidding, then. Because it is not funny and because we all know that old trick. I think it's time to put an end to it for so many reasons.

Often, people who use sarcasm as a passive-aggressive way to make fun act disdainful of kindness, politeness, awareness of the feelings of others. They see kindness and such as weakness. At this point, they don't understand that it takes a strong person to show kindness in the face of unpleasantness, rudeness, or treachery.

Sarcasm and put downs are insidious for another reason: they are underhanded and secretive. Behind mocking and smug superiority is a hurtful criticism hiding behind a veil of jocularity. The joker can even say to someone with hurt feelings,I'm just kidding!  You are too sensitive!

People who rely on sarcasm are displaying their inability to verbalize their feelings, their disrespect for others, their poor impulse control, their inchoate self knowledge, and their undeveloped sense of compassion. They are even, sometimes, identifying with a person who has victimized them in the past. And they don't even know it. They are busy closing their eyes to the harmful effects that their words have on others and they are busy thinking, Why don't you just lighten up?

The person who bullies in this way has no need to see themselves as an oppressor because they keep themselves veiled in the cloak of joking, even to themselves. The acerbic-tongued person is quite convinced that they are superior, entertaining, and well-liked. But a person who relies on sarcasm, scorn, ridicule, or mockery is actually struggling with low self esteem and poor knowledge of their true self.  They just don't realize it.  

On social media I often see memes glorifying sarcasm as a superior way of dealing with "stupid people". But I disagree. Sarcasm is nothing more than bullying and a lack of grace, kindness, and courtesy. Maybe I am alone in this, but I don't find sarcasm and derision entertaining.

As a recovering sarcasm junkie myself, I know that when a person uses sarcasm as a major approach to interact with the world around them, they keep true friendship at bay. They see others as inferior, stupid, irrelevant while being unaware of their own fragility, vulnerability, fear of failure. Personally, it took a few episodes of injury to people that I care about before I saw exactly how the sarcasm reflected my wounded internal self. I was convinced that I was joking, clever, funny, and entertaining when, the whole time, I was floundering and fearful of having others discover my ineptitude.

But I couldn't have said that at the time.

Knowing this has made me far more compassionate to people with caustic personalities or disparaging tones when interacting with others. I recognize that they are hiding so much from themselves. In fact, most do not recognize it in themselves...

Breaking away from sarcasm was a very deliberate and long road, but with a determination to be authentic and compassionate and open and growing, I made it. And so can you. Become aware of it. Choose to make a difference. Decide to become a happier person.

And if it is your child who is sarcastic or bullying, you won't find much on the internet to help you, but this is a good place to start. If you are a parent looking for what to do when the bully is your child, come back again because I do plan on writing more about this in the future.

SO, if you are putting others down, think about working on yourself first.

You are worth it.

Love You

If you are reading and researching tonight, trying to figure out if you are in an injurious or harmful relationship, let's look at what qualities might as a harmful, injurious relationship. Let's look as a short list of questions to ask yourself. If you can answer yes to any one or more of these questions, I recommend you continue to read on. In all cases, the word partner refers to the relationship that you are exploring, regardless of that relationship, be it employer, sibling, teacher, friend, parent, etc.

• Do you feel criticized, undermined, or judged when you seek to meet a goal or to improve yourself?
  
• Do you doubt or question your partner's honesty or openness?
  
• Do you feel anxious or walking on eggshells when it is time to be with your partner?
  
• When your time with your partner ends and you are alone, do you feel utterly exhausted or downcast?
  
• Do you feel as though your partner loves and appreciates you and cares for your well-being?
  
• Does your partner tend to create competition or conflict about seeming small issues?
  
• Does your partner belittle your input, thoughts, efforts, and ideas?
  
• Does your relationship seem to be unbalanced and focused mainly on your partner?

If you can answer yes or maybe to even one of these questions, it is likely that you are embroiled in an unhealthy relationship. It's important to identify unhealthy relationships and alliances because they cause illness in many different ways. If you are unsure, know it now.
 

One person on earth is here to care for your needs: YOU.
With greater awareness of the toxicity in your life comes the greater awareness that you have a new job to do. You can take care of yourself. YOU.

The good news, you are so worth taking care of. You are loving and kind and worthy. 
You deserve warmth and care and support and understanding and heartful love and all good things. Take all of those efforts to please someone else and turn them inward.

In case you have forgotten how to take care of yourself, here are a few great starting places. 

• First, if you feel it, respect that feeling for it is real to you and it is yours. Every feeling you have deserves to be heard and felt and cared for.
• Hear your thoughts, for they are yours and deserving of attention. 
• When the thoughts are those of guilt, shame, or self-loathing, turn them around and give yourself the gift of thoughts of self-love, care, and kindness.  No matter what.
• Give yourself the gift of time because time is love. Journal, rest, talk with caring friends, find a therapist, walk in nature. With the exception of using addictive substances or behaviors, enjoy activities that nurture you.

Take this journey toward yourself.
You deserve it.

Boundaries: Don't Be Fooled

The day you finally make those steps away from the toxic one in your life you set up a challenge for them. Every single effort you make to create healthy boundaries between you and the toxic one is like a flashing light saying pursue me to their unhealthy ego and coping skills.

Your healthy boundaries may include things like having the ability to say NO, meaning it, and not apologizing for it. Healthy boundaries may include refusing to allow others to define you, speaking up when you are tread upon, maintaining high expectations for those in your life, recognize the difference between you and others, taking care of your own needs without needing others to care for you, asking for what you need, and allowing relationships to take time before making commitments to them.

Maintaining these personal rules, boundaries, show a sign of higher self esteem, increased stability in your life and in your relationships, greater confidence, a reality-based life, and a more fulfilling life. Who can resist that?!  The toxic one will attempt to recontact you, they will try to reengage you.

Know This

The toxic one will sound so very sincere, so very wounded, so very needy.  Or they will sound so very healthy. They will apologize. They will take the blame. They will sound reasonable. They will say how much they will miss you. They will sound well-meaning. They will seem perfectly innocent and reasonable. They will look like they did in the beginning when you were first attracted to them: too good to be true.

Know this: changing dysfunctional patterns take significant effort and time and deliberate activity. Buying into their false claims will take you off of the hard road toward yourself that you have been walking.

Know this: their mask of perfection is back on. They still believe that they are not to blame and they will return to their toxicity very quickly. Their toxicity cannot remain hidden long.

Know this: that your walk toward yourself is too important to enter back into the cycle of drama, cruelty, ugliness, and heartbreak.

You Have Come This Far

Celebrate that road towards yourself. Continue to create yourself, to learn about yourself, to become who you truly are. Remember to stay on the pathway to yourself by maintaining the boundaries that you have fought so hard to erect...move forward, ever forward; move toward that bright future where you are healthy and your relationships are healthy.

Have no doubt: your healthy boundaries are your key to the life you are longing for.

Powerless or Powerful?

Did you think of that?
They're playing every single mind game at their disposal and you have bought into it in an effort to keep the peace. But now you've caught on. Now you can see it. Now they can no longer keep you confused, silent, compliant.

When you finally see their game, you become powerful.

Know that there is an end.
Know that you have choices.
Know that they don't get to define you.

Know that there is safety outside of the system.

Now you know.